The Weekend Post : Copper Lights... (#6)

 

After a week of gloomy weather and staying in bed with books, I decided I needed to wake up this morning and force myself to feel a little better. Something that always lifts my mood is a little moment of pampering and playing with makeup to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I actually really like how my makeup turned out today, it's a little neutral and natural looking with some copper shades that really bring out the brown in my eyes. I mainly used my Mac Quad and played with Ricepaper on my lids and Sable to create a burgundy kind of crease. Whenever I find myself in little pits of feeling down, I try to just smile and breathe. Sparcky and I have been cooped up in my room the last two days and my nerves have been at an all time high with the excitement and nervousness of the approaching California trip. 

I'm scared. I'm scared to go back to my childhood home and not feel home anymore. I've been away for a year and a half now and haven't seen people I love in a very long time. People moved on and we all grew up, when I left I was still a round little girl who had all these hopes and dreams. I had to grow up really fast and have come to realise so much in this short time that nothing is ever going to be the same. I think I'm mostly just scared of tainting the memories. Moving was such a roller coaster and I was mad for such a long time, at everything, at the world, at myself and I've come to accept things and just take time to remember beautiful moments I had with people I love. It's scary to go back and see everything be different, seeing people I love living a life without me. I think I'm mostly afraid of whether or not I'll be able to handle all of this, I keep a lot bottled up and try very hard not to let people in too easily. I haven't really developed any close friendships here or attachments at all and I've been this way since I moved. It's going to be emotionally heart wrenching to find myself in a world where every street has memories that I'll always cherish but can never relive. 

Growing up is scary and this mess of life is scary and everything is scary sometimes and that's alright. It's alright to admit that, even if I can't admit that out loud, at least here in the comfort of my little blog I can admit that I'm scared and I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm just going through a lot lately and really really just want to say thank you, thank you for reading this blog and thank you for the support and thank you for giving me something to feel passionate about again. I haven't felt happiness like the kind I do when I write posts and get wonderful comments and responses from you in so long. I may not have friends but I have a very big attachment to this blog and to all of you and I just want to say thank you. 

I hope everyone is doing a little well and if you're scared or feeling overwhelmed with anything or everything, just know you're not alone. You can always shoot me a tweet or email and we can try to get through things together.  Happy Weekend Beauties. 

Stefanie xx

The Weekend Post : New Years Resolutions... (#5)

The holidays are slowly drawing to a close and it's becoming that jolly time of year where everyone starts to kind of freak out and draw up these ridiculous lists of resolutions that they swear they will keep in the coming year. New Years Resolutions. Basically the only time of year where everyone runs to get a gym membership and swears off of cigarettes or booze and promises themselves that this will be the year where everything changes. I would just like to start of by saying that every single year I swore I was going to loose weight and joined a gym and did all that hooha dieting for all of January and come February my little 'resolutions' were old news that would soon be forgotten until January 1st rolled around again. One thing I have learned is that if you truly want change then you shouldn't have to wait until tomorrow or next week. If you want to start losing weight then start today. If you want to stop drinking, put down the glass. If you no longer want to smoke cigarettes, throw out your freaking carton right now. Most of the obvious resolutions that people go for are such bullshit excuses for waiting until next year where if they truly wanted change then they would do it today, not have to wait for all the mumbo jumbo of New Years and new beginnings and all that cliche bullshit. I'm sorry that I had to blunt there but that's just the way I see it. 

This past year, I lost my weight and I'm continuing to lose weight and it's no longer a resolution of mine to be a size 2 or whatever nonsense because I decided I wanted change and just did it. Yes, I will continue to move towards being my ideal weight and living healthy but that doesn't have to do with the fact that a new year is beginning, it's an everyday goal of mine. A lifestyle resolution. I think as I'm getting older my goals for the new year have really changed. I do have one very important goal for next year and that would be to make as many memories as possible and smile and be happy as often as possible. My resolution is to not go through another year where I find myself in situations making me unhappy and not doing something about it. I am eighteen years old and I am young and I have so much time and there are so many reasons out there to be happy that it is absolutely ridiculous wasting a single moment being sad. My resolution is to travel and meet people and try to make friends and experiences and live. I basically want to be sitting here next year looking back at the last twelve months and thinking, wow, this year I lived and it was magical. I gave myself goals that I can reach and that are more emotional building blocks to my future than unrational objectives that I'm not going to keep. I gave myself reasons to look forward to new days and I am working on happiness everyday starting now, not January 1st. 

This year I plan to see my family in February and take an insane adventure to California and enjoy every single moment of it. This year I plan to study and enjoy what I'm learning and I told myself that if I feel like it's not making me happy, I give myself the permission to find happiness elsewhere. I gave myself summers in Europe where I will find time to see sights even if they are right outside my door. I allowed myself to forgive, forgive my family and my past and move forward rather than back. I gave myself love, by feeling comfortable in my own skin with my weight and my skincare and my beauty. I gift myself passion for writing a wonderful blog with amazing readers and hopes of growing further. I am alive another year and that is the greatest gift of all. Don't waste your time on resolutions that can be made today, live everyday as if it's the 1st, not just January 1st. 

Happy New Years Guys.

Stefanie xx 

The Weekend Post... (#4)

This is a rather early weekend post but I wanted to get something up on my blog and honestly guys, I'm bloody exhausted. I have been working for two days straight now and I have a full day today, Saturday, Monday and Tuesday. I am basically going mad with exhaustion. Working in shops during Christmas time is so brutal and exhausting. The people are all for some reason cranky even though apparently it is the most wonderful time of the year, the coworkers are all in bad moods because they're bloody tired and exhausted as well and the weather even sucks. I genuinely come home, force myself to work out, maybe browse cyber space a bit and then sleep like the dead. It's been an exhausting crazy week. I'm looking very forward to this whole Christmas debacle being over. I also have been going through some stupid stuff with my family and people in general, I don't know in a weird way I'm just done with everything. I really have been struggling with realising you can't depend on anyone this entire year and learning you won't be missed by anyone so make your time worth it. I think that's been the biggest lesson I've had to fight through these past 12 plus months. I'm just looking forward to a new year and a fresh start. I also have gotten back into dieting or just changing my diet positively and working out every night. I will tell you, doing Insanity after a 7 hour shift running around can be such a b**** but I've been pushing myself. I am going to be going on vacation to California in February and would like to lose about 10 more pounds until then. I have lost a total of 64 so far this year so I am genuinely hoping to drop those last 10 to 15 as well. Other than that, life's really boring. I had some interesting experiences at work this week but life's pretty mellow yet hectic.

I hope ya'll had a good week as well and are a little more pumped about Christmas than I am. Let me know about your weekend plans or anything exciting happening in your life. I'd love to hear it!

Happy Weekend.

Stefanie xx

The Weekend Post... (#3)

Hey guys, it's the end of another week and to be completely honest I'm exhausted. I was working most of last week and now this weekend I've fallen into a fit of deep mopeyness. I just don't have any more energy right now and I don't know if this ever happens to any of you, but I've been feeling really down about my blog. I guess I've been lost seeing other people gain loads of followers and just have wonderful blogs and I feel like mine just isn't getting there. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the insanely foggy depressing weather or just everything but I am feeling so low today. Christmas is coming up and I haven't bought anyone presents yet, I feel like my to do list is just piling up and I don't want to do a single thing. ughh. It's really just frustrating and sad and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not being my best right now when it comes to blogging. I'm sorry for not really being my best when it comes to anything. I'm in a horrible funk and I don't really know how to get myself out of it. I hope you all are doing well and better than me this weekend. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day although this next week is going to be so hectic it's already making me tired. blah. Happy Weekend All. 

Stefanie xx

The Weekend Post... (#2)

This weekend has been a bit uneventful. I never really know how to put these pictures together to make them seem even slightly orderly, so bare with me. I am now laying in bed cozily enjoying the rest of my Sunday before a long week of working begins. Yesterday I had the day off and spent some much needed time sleeping and blogging and laying around. I even naughtily nibbled on Christmas cookies and had some hot coco. We had a Christmas party at work but I chickened out of going once again. I think I'm genuinely getting even worse with my social anxiety, I constantly am afraid to lose the few people I do get close to that I just end up pushing them away or simply avoid growing closer so I don't obtain any attachments. My only attachments in life are to my mom and to my dog and that way I don't get hurt anymore, or at least not as easily and not as painfully. I keep thinking back to the entirety of this year and I must say, 2013 has sucked. I feel like I lost a lot of myself this year and I'm just a little confused with who I am or what I want. 

Today I spent a lovely day with a good friend who I haven't seen in ages, Katha. We grabbed some coffee and then took a walk down by the river that runs through town. It was nice out today and the cold air was incredibly refreshing, we got to chat about lots of things and I was able to unload a little about my worries surrounding my visit to America in February. As I grow older, something I recognise in myself more and more is my ability to control my emotions. I'm an incredibly emotional person who unrationally acts on my feelings constantly, I usually let me feelings get the best of me and rather than acting like a grown up, I feel my way to rotten endings. Handling tough situations always requires me to have a lot of time to control my anger and my emotions and my overwhelming need to have things go a certain way, until I can rationally go through something. Going home and visiting everyone I love is a perfect example of this. I feel so much hurt and love and just an abundant mixture of everlasting feeling pours out of me every time I think about visiting or moving or seeing everyone and it's taken me such a long time and so much effort to try to find a way to handle the situation maturely and rationally. I still have about two months to prepare myself for one of the hardest trips of my life and it scares me to death. It scares me so much I've been staying up nights anxiously thinking and trying not to dwell on the past. It was just really nice to unload and tell Katha about my troubles and hear about hers as well. It's nice having people in my life sometimes, I know I usually like to stay more to myself and usually avoid interactions but sometimes I guess you just need them. 

I'm just concluding my weekend with some blogging and lots of rest, enjoying the last sights of sun before hopefully the winter snow makes an appearance. Sparcky is keeping me company and it always feels easier having him with me. I hope everyone else had a nice weekend as well and hopefully this week too will bring us all bits of joy and happiness. 

Stefanie xx

The Weekend Post

I am just coming off of a cold and this weekend is going to be more than exhausting, I have work Friday,Saturday and Sunday.. almost all day so I just wanted to leave a quick message to my lovely readers saying you will be missed. Christmas time is already full in bloom here in Austria and with the first Sunday of the month coming, the city is packed. The Christmas markets are open and the warm wines have been served, it's going to be an insane weekend working both jobs.. one after the other. I start today with my coffeeshop job which I love and enjoy and then have to go to the bar job after which isn't exactly my favourite. Wish me luck getting through this hard weekend and I hope you all have a bit of time to relax and enjoy a weekend in bed. I sure wish I could. 

Until Next Time,

Stefanie xx