This weekend has been a bit uneventful. I never really know how to put these pictures together to make them seem even slightly orderly, so bare with me. I am now laying in bed cozily enjoying the rest of my Sunday before a long week of working begins. Yesterday I had the day off and spent some much needed time sleeping and blogging and laying around. I even naughtily nibbled on Christmas cookies and had some hot coco. We had a Christmas party at work but I chickened out of going once again. I think I'm genuinely getting even worse with my social anxiety, I constantly am afraid to lose the few people I do get close to that I just end up pushing them away or simply avoid growing closer so I don't obtain any attachments. My only attachments in life are to my mom and to my dog and that way I don't get hurt anymore, or at least not as easily and not as painfully. I keep thinking back to the entirety of this year and I must say, 2013 has sucked. I feel like I lost a lot of myself this year and I'm just a little confused with who I am or what I want.
Today I spent a lovely day with a good friend who I haven't seen in ages, Katha. We grabbed some coffee and then took a walk down by the river that runs through town. It was nice out today and the cold air was incredibly refreshing, we got to chat about lots of things and I was able to unload a little about my worries surrounding my visit to America in February. As I grow older, something I recognise in myself more and more is my ability to control my emotions. I'm an incredibly emotional person who unrationally acts on my feelings constantly, I usually let me feelings get the best of me and rather than acting like a grown up, I feel my way to rotten endings. Handling tough situations always requires me to have a lot of time to control my anger and my emotions and my overwhelming need to have things go a certain way, until I can rationally go through something. Going home and visiting everyone I love is a perfect example of this. I feel so much hurt and love and just an abundant mixture of everlasting feeling pours out of me every time I think about visiting or moving or seeing everyone and it's taken me such a long time and so much effort to try to find a way to handle the situation maturely and rationally. I still have about two months to prepare myself for one of the hardest trips of my life and it scares me to death. It scares me so much I've been staying up nights anxiously thinking and trying not to dwell on the past. It was just really nice to unload and tell Katha about my troubles and hear about hers as well. It's nice having people in my life sometimes, I know I usually like to stay more to myself and usually avoid interactions but sometimes I guess you just need them.
I'm just concluding my weekend with some blogging and lots of rest, enjoying the last sights of sun before hopefully the winter snow makes an appearance. Sparcky is keeping me company and it always feels easier having him with me. I hope everyone else had a nice weekend as well and hopefully this week too will bring us all bits of joy and happiness.