Thursday, April 19, 2018

Joshua Tree with Shay


Working in Spring.

Drove to Solvang Tuesday for a shoot and had some time to really think about how lucky I am to be doing something I love. Poppy fields. Mission tours by myself. and a beautiful spring day. 


Monday, March 19, 2018


I remember the last time I hugged my mom. Actually felt it. It was at the airport near McDonalds before I had to walk away into the terminal where I left for Austria. I remember the way she cried and how she kept reaching for my hand across the table. I never really touched my mom again after that. 
I remember the way my Grandma used to pat my hand while I cried in Austria. She didn't hug. She just patted me. Sometimes she cried too but we never held onto each other. I remember the day on my bedroom floor about two months after I came back, I was sitting and thinking and I cried so much I only saw darkness. Daniel tried to hug me on the floor as I rocked and I screamed for him to let me go. It hurt being touched. 
I hated physical contact. I still do. I make sure not to brush fingertips when I hand someone cash. I make sure not to stand too close with my shoulders in a crowded room. If someone foreign hugs me, I remember. For work, I automatically accept a hug hello and a hug goodbye but apart from that I hold my distance. 
It took a long time for me to sit beside Shay. It took a long time for me to remember what his hands felt like and memorize the way they fit with mine. I only look at him on occasion but it's been enough time to remember the way he looks. I remember the way he kisses and the distinct taste and my memories are filled with happy times. 
It took a lot of work for me to feel ok being felt. It was this door that had to be opened and it took a lot of effort to stay open. I know what it means to close that door. I know I closed the door to my mom at that airport. I know I closed the door to my grandma watching her from my second plane. I don't feel Sparcky or look at him anymore. I know that door was closed too. 
Now I'm standing outside an open door feeling closed. 
Closing my eyes, thinking of feeling feels distant and it's lost. 
I don't know if we'll ever touch again even if he tries to hold my hand right now. 
Wish it made sense. I feel untouched and I'm not lacking or yearning for anything more than to keep the door open as it's shutting right before my eyes. 

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Twenty Three

It may be cheesy but I had an un BRIElievable day yesterday with Shay. Cheese. Adventures. Kisses. Happiness. Twenty-three started off very GOUDa.

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