On Monday we went and bought a Christmas tree. It's funny because the beginning of Shay and my story was so vivid, it feels as though everything happened just yesterday. Our first Christmas in the studio with the ornaments and the decor. It felt like we were beginning. The middle of our story so far was more centered around finding out how to co-exist while growing at the same time. Both of us in the last few years have gone through so much and things like holidays weren't ever important. When we first met I used to think affection had to be shown in certain ways. That thought held me back from enjoying so many special moments and years. 

With time we made it out of the studio. Avalon felt like the in between. The in between was difficult and we didn't really have time to grow a home. Our new place is different, special, particularly curated for us and we are spending more time being together in it and together alone. As I'm sitting here writing this on a rainy Wednesday night, Shay is across the hall working out in our new at home gym. There's something about the simplicity of knowing he's home with me but we're both doing separate things makes me feel more together than I've ever known. 

We bought a tree for this place. There's lights and acorns and it's small and fit for us four. The girls are our family and Zig's passing made us realize that even more. A lot has happened in both of our family lives the past few years. My mom moving away affected me in ways I couldn't have imagined. Lately, Shay's been going through similar things with his own mom. It's difficult and consuming and it's my turn to be strong. 
Yesterday we moved his gym to our home. His corner of the world where he can find peace on his own. I'm not able to give him much but he gives me the world. We're not the same as we were at the beginning of our story but now life feels a bit more like we're the main characters and a new book always begins and ends with us together. Christmas is a few weeks away and then it'll be a new year again. I feel older. I feel more equipped to handle my life and I'm not hesitant or reactive or hopeful for anything different or new because it'll be a new year. I'm happy with my life and I'm changing things daily; progressing, reassessing, enjoying. It's the first year there's no resolutions or changes or worries. I'm in control and I'm happy and I'm ready for a new year. 





Year End Ramblings and A Christmas Tree

 On Monday we went and bought a Christmas tree. It's funny because the beginning of Shay and my story was so vivid, it feels as t...
12.05.2018
It's perfectly cliche but during this time of year I'm always in the mood to bake. Recently Shay and I have both been flustered with family dramas and the idea of him coming home to a baked good makes me feel like I can bake it better. This month was spent working a lot, paying off debts, and cooking. Thanksgiving came and went and the end of the year is almost here. Today I bought liquor for the first time, it was baking bourbon and it felt funny. I'm about to be twenty-four and that feels old. Life is trickling by and I like to stop and reminisce in some moments. 
Baking with Bourbon.



Bourbon.

It's perfectly cliche but during this time of year I'm always in the mood to bake. Recently Shay and I have both been flustered...
11.27.2018
Thanksgiving moments. Twenty-Eighteen. 






Thanksgiving Memories

Thanksgiving moments. Twenty-Eighteen. 
11.24.2018
It's another new week. Although life is back to being busy, I like to look back at the photos in between reality. 



Photos In Between

It's another new week. Although life is back to being busy, I like to look back at the photos in between reality. 
11.05.2018
November 3rd. We went hiking after work and I remembered why I fell in love with taking pictures of you. 


To Be Alone With You.

November 3rd. We went hiking after work and I remembered why I fell in love with taking pictures of you. 
11.03.2018
When I first met Shay he told me I'd change one day. I was twenty when we met and in reality up until the moment we met, I'd never been myself with anyone before. This year has been a constant internal struggle with myself and a lot of it has involved my job and the people and lifestyle that comes with it. I was always really good at pretending to be happy. I've never enjoyed social activities and have always found it easier to be miserable going to them then to have to deal with saying no. A huge part of living in LA and working in the blogging community/influencer market involves going out and networking. I don't go out. I don't network. The idea of coffee with someone to just talk about things they are half listening to is terrible to me. I don't eat normal foods and I like to be home. It's not a quirky little attribute about me that's supposed to make me seem relatable - it's real and it's honest. 
I know that social media has had this big craze this year regarding anxiety and being awkward. It's been romanticized and now suddenly everyone has it. What we all seem to forget though is there is a spectrum and it's so immense on how severe and how specifically it affects every person individually. I get uncomfortable going to crowded places. I get quiet once I'm around more than two people. I hate pointless conversation and I feel like I'm broken because I can't function the way everyone else is. 
My job has given me some really great opportunities. Opportunities are something everyone waits around for and when you're in this field and everyone is raving about specific chances and their benefits and their glamour; you feel obligated to agree and just exist. Am I able to be good at photography even though I'm not good with being around people?? 
I got invited to shoot in Vegas next week for this reward show that every blogger is yearning to go to. If I were to tell anyone I shoot that I'm going, they'd immediately find me "cooler" and think of how "lucky" I am to have this "opportunity." I genuinely get invited to these things with the notion that it is a gift to me to be invited because it's such a spectacle and everyone in the industry wants to go. 
I don't want to go. I've never been to Vegas. There's millions of humans in Vegas. Vegas is the stomping grounds for everything I don't do. There's strippers and gambling and partying and drinking and dressing in something that doesn't look like gym clothes. Shay would never go to Vegas and I would have a panic attack around people who wouldn't understand what the big deal is. It's clear to me and to anyone who knows me; which to be frank is only Shay; that Vegas would never be an option for me yet, here I am. I'm more anxious about saying no to something that everyone would call me crazy for then to go to a horrible anxiety filled universe of miserable happenings and work through it.
I'd be miserable if I went. I'd show it. I wouldn't be able to do my job well because I'd be that uncomfortable and there's no way to explain this rationally to another human being. So I feel bad about who I am and what I don't want and how I can't just be normal for a few days or hours. And so the process goes; the inner turmoil, the constant wishing to be something I'm not. I spent all of my life faking it; faking the idea that I'm this type of person or that and knowing that I could mold into whatever anyone wanted me to be. It's easier for me to do that miserably than it is for me to say no and to just choose happiness. 
This year has been scattered with these same decisions. These choices of what to do; be normal and unhappy or be myself and truly exist? It's been a process of trying, failing, giving up, trying again, failing, saying no, feeling sorry for saying no, giving up. It's endless and it's exhausting. I'm exhausted and I'm frustrated and I'm learning to change and grow up. I'm not going to Vegas. I know I'm not going and I know I have to tell my client no. I know it'll set me back a few steps and make me feel bad for being myself. I know that even though I know the answer, I'm still questioning it. I'm still trying to be someone to make others happy and it's hard choosing your own happiness over just calm waters and content lives. 
I'm fighting with myself and I lose myself so often. Shay fights for the me he knows and most times I'm so blinded by these fears I fight him on the facts. There's no real end to this thought. There's no real way I'm meant to conclude these paragraphs. There's a solution but it has so many variables and hurtles and I'm not done jumping over them yet. I'm just in the middle of it right now. I'm in limbo with who I was and who I am now and who I'm going to be. I'm constantly scared of who I'm going to be and if I'll make the right decisions to get there. I'm constantly tired and sad and scared and angry. 
I'm in limbo; in my mid twenties; growing into the adult I'm meant to be. 


A Year of Growth

When I first met Shay he told me I'd change one day. I was twenty when we met and in reality up until the moment we met, I'd never ...
11.02.2018

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