Monday, November 5, 2018

Photos In Between

It's another new week. Although life is back to being busy, I like to look back at the photos in between reality. 


Saturday, November 3, 2018

To Be Alone With You.

November 3rd. We went hiking after work and I remembered why I fell in love with taking pictures of you. 


Friday, November 2, 2018

A Year of Growth

When I first met Shay he told me I'd change one day. I was twenty when we met and in reality up until the moment we met, I'd never been myself with anyone before. This year has been a constant internal struggle with myself and a lot of it has involved my job and the people and lifestyle that comes with it. I was always really good at pretending to be happy. I've never enjoyed social activities and have always found it easier to be miserable going to them then to have to deal with saying no. A huge part of living in LA and working in the blogging community/influencer market involves going out and networking. I don't go out. I don't network. The idea of coffee with someone to just talk about things they are half listening to is terrible to me. I don't eat normal foods and I like to be home. It's not a quirky little attribute about me that's supposed to make me seem relatable - it's real and it's honest. 
I know that social media has had this big craze this year regarding anxiety and being awkward. It's been romanticized and now suddenly everyone has it. What we all seem to forget though is there is a spectrum and it's so immense on how severe and how specifically it affects every person individually. I get uncomfortable going to crowded places. I get quiet once I'm around more than two people. I hate pointless conversation and I feel like I'm broken because I can't function the way everyone else is. 
My job has given me some really great opportunities. Opportunities are something everyone waits around for and when you're in this field and everyone is raving about specific chances and their benefits and their glamour; you feel obligated to agree and just exist. Am I able to be good at photography even though I'm not good with being around people?? 
I got invited to shoot in Vegas next week for this reward show that every blogger is yearning to go to. If I were to tell anyone I shoot that I'm going, they'd immediately find me "cooler" and think of how "lucky" I am to have this "opportunity." I genuinely get invited to these things with the notion that it is a gift to me to be invited because it's such a spectacle and everyone in the industry wants to go. 
I don't want to go. I've never been to Vegas. There's millions of humans in Vegas. Vegas is the stomping grounds for everything I don't do. There's strippers and gambling and partying and drinking and dressing in something that doesn't look like gym clothes. Shay would never go to Vegas and I would have a panic attack around people who wouldn't understand what the big deal is. It's clear to me and to anyone who knows me; which to be frank is only Shay; that Vegas would never be an option for me yet, here I am. I'm more anxious about saying no to something that everyone would call me crazy for then to go to a horrible anxiety filled universe of miserable happenings and work through it.
I'd be miserable if I went. I'd show it. I wouldn't be able to do my job well because I'd be that uncomfortable and there's no way to explain this rationally to another human being. So I feel bad about who I am and what I don't want and how I can't just be normal for a few days or hours. And so the process goes; the inner turmoil, the constant wishing to be something I'm not. I spent all of my life faking it; faking the idea that I'm this type of person or that and knowing that I could mold into whatever anyone wanted me to be. It's easier for me to do that miserably than it is for me to say no and to just choose happiness. 
This year has been scattered with these same decisions. These choices of what to do; be normal and unhappy or be myself and truly exist? It's been a process of trying, failing, giving up, trying again, failing, saying no, feeling sorry for saying no, giving up. It's endless and it's exhausting. I'm exhausted and I'm frustrated and I'm learning to change and grow up. I'm not going to Vegas. I know I'm not going and I know I have to tell my client no. I know it'll set me back a few steps and make me feel bad for being myself. I know that even though I know the answer, I'm still questioning it. I'm still trying to be someone to make others happy and it's hard choosing your own happiness over just calm waters and content lives. 
I'm fighting with myself and I lose myself so often. Shay fights for the me he knows and most times I'm so blinded by these fears I fight him on the facts. There's no real end to this thought. There's no real way I'm meant to conclude these paragraphs. There's a solution but it has so many variables and hurtles and I'm not done jumping over them yet. I'm just in the middle of it right now. I'm in limbo with who I was and who I am now and who I'm going to be. I'm constantly scared of who I'm going to be and if I'll make the right decisions to get there. I'm constantly tired and sad and scared and angry. 
I'm in limbo; in my mid twenties; growing into the adult I'm meant to be. 


Thursday, November 1, 2018

Halloween Recap

Today is November 1st and it's been exactly one week since Ziggy passed away. To think a week ago at this time I was driving to the vet's office at 5 a.m. is insane. We talk about him every day and can't wait to have his ashes home with us. 
Tuesday night Shay and I went out for a little Halloween adventure. There's a haunted house attraction one city over and we finally managed to go. It was honestly so much fun. After arriving early we managed to be the second people in line and waited to be let in. You're placed in a group of three couples and we were lucky enough to be the middle couple. The maze was terrifying and done so well. Shay held my hand and we wandered through while the first couple kept getting frightened and the third one too. Because we were in the middle the actors and attractions had to hide back to scare the next crowd so we dodged the fear almost every time. It was affordable and honestly so much fun. Just the right dose of Halloween Horror. 
Yesterday was Halloween and we spent a large chunk of the day with Shay's niece and nephew. The love we have for those two is so inseparable. We went to the large Pumpkin Patch and met up with them and their cousins. Shay's brother is currently expecting their third child. A few weeks back we got the news that the ultrasound had picked up on some abnormalities in the development of the baby. Yesterday they went back for additional testing and the news wasn't very good. It's a lot to wrap your head around. Shay and I talk about them every day and how life is going to change. A child with disabilities changes a lot of things and it'll be a challenge for everyone. 
This year just seems to be hard for a lot of people. It's been challenging and growing older leaves so much more up in the air. Work for Shay is up in the air, our families are going through so much in their own lives and life just keeps throwing curveballs. I'm hopeful and as optimistic as I can be. Shay and I are each other's foundation and as long as we're good, everything else is never that bad. We're lucky we have each other and that the year's hardships aren't directly focusing on us. 
Two more months of the year. Let's get through them and wait for a better next year. 

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