February

 I think Sparcky's death really changed me. I think somewhere in my heart I thought if I could love something enough it would never leave me. If I just did what I was supposed to - time and life wouldn't deal me the same cards. Shay and I are having issues. I don't remember when it started, I don't really know if it was any one thing or if it just changed. I think life started happening. I guess a lot of people say to look at a relationship as something that sets the tone from the beginning. Our beginning wasn't pretty. It was harsh and cruel and he told me he'd never be able to love me. 

I was young. I honestly didn't think it would ever matter or be important if he loved me back. I told myself I felt it back. He loved me. My bones felt loved and my world changed. I can't even compare anything I'm thinking about today to anything I've even considered in the last seven years. 

I know there was a point where I felt like he'd never love me. It would be so easy to say that I want something different and that's why I know somethings wrong. But I don't want different. I don't want anything. I think I opened my soul to someone and I realized that they didn't want it. He didn't want it. 

I don't feel alone without my family. I think something happened where I accepted that they're not in my life when Sparcky passed. I think he closed the door. Without that fear of not being loved by them, I think I started looking at other things. I don't know if what I want is someone to feel about me the way people romanticize about their person in the beginning. I don't think it's that - I know the butterflies aren't supposed to last. But I want to feel wanted. 

More so, I want to know that in ten years I won't feel alone. And I can't say I won't when I feel so alone now. I don't know if it was his injury. I don't know if his injury is worse because he's in my life. I do know things changed and they're never going to be the same again. And I don't think those things matter to him. 

I think he wants me to just accept that. But I want someone to want me to be happy. Is there a reason we haven't had a child? Am I not supposed to be with this man? I just know it was always a give and take. I know in my being that I would feel connected. I can't find the connection. I don't want to live my life for someone else. I'm about to turn twenty-seven. I am a grown woman. I shouldn't be waiting around for a man to want to be around me, want to kiss me, want to connect. That's so childish, so young.

If you don't want me, then why am I still here? Why are we living together like roommates. Why did we get dogs together but I'm the only one who takes care of them? Why am I so alone.

Antidepressants.