After a week of gloomy weather and staying in bed with books, I decided I needed to wake up this morning and force myself to feel a little better. Something that always lifts my mood is a little moment of pampering and playing with makeup to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I actually really like how my makeup turned out today, it's a little neutral and natural looking with some copper shades that really bring out the brown in my eyes. I mainly used my Mac Quad and played with Ricepaper on my lids and Sable to create a burgundy kind of crease. Whenever I find myself in little pits of feeling down, I try to just smile and breathe. Sparcky and I have been cooped up in my room the last two days and my nerves have been at an all time high with the excitement and nervousness of the approaching California trip.
I'm scared. I'm scared to go back to my childhood home and not feel home anymore. I've been away for a year and a half now and haven't seen people I love in a very long time. People moved on and we all grew up, when I left I was still a round little girl who had all these hopes and dreams. I had to grow up really fast and have come to realise so much in this short time that nothing is ever going to be the same. I think I'm mostly just scared of tainting the memories. Moving was such a roller coaster and I was mad for such a long time, at everything, at the world, at myself and I've come to accept things and just take time to remember beautiful moments I had with people I love. It's scary to go back and see everything be different, seeing people I love living a life without me. I think I'm mostly afraid of whether or not I'll be able to handle all of this, I keep a lot bottled up and try very hard not to let people in too easily. I haven't really developed any close friendships here or attachments at all and I've been this way since I moved. It's going to be emotionally heart wrenching to find myself in a world where every street has memories that I'll always cherish but can never relive.
Growing up is scary and this mess of life is scary and everything is scary sometimes and that's alright. It's alright to admit that, even if I can't admit that out loud, at least here in the comfort of my little blog I can admit that I'm scared and I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm just going through a lot lately and really really just want to say thank you, thank you for reading this blog and thank you for the support and thank you for giving me something to feel passionate about again. I haven't felt happiness like the kind I do when I write posts and get wonderful comments and responses from you in so long. I may not have friends but I have a very big attachment to this blog and to all of you and I just want to say thank you.
I hope everyone is doing a little well and if you're scared or feeling overwhelmed with anything or everything, just know you're not alone. You can always shoot me a tweet or email and we can try to get through things together. Happy Weekend Beauties.