I was going to call this post, the problem with blogging but honestly, it may not be a problem for most bloggers so that would be a bias inappropriate title. My problem with blogging and the mistake I've recently been making is that I saw other people make a career out of something and used that same notion as a form of escaping my own reality. Recently I was feeling a little fed up with the way my life was going. I didn't like where I was in life and thought that I could solve all my problems by trying to be like someone else. I think this is something many people do and I'm definitely a prime example that you can only do it for so long. Twenty four hours to me are very very long. In a matter of twenty four hours I can feel and think thousands of different ways and somehow rationalize that they all suddenly are more profound than anything I've thought or felt before.
Some days I wake up and I'm insanely insanely upset and devote myself into crawling inside a wormhole of new ideas that will somehow improve my present state. The flaw in this profound system is that the wormhole usually just involves mimicking someone else's form of improvement and after a few days I wake up and realize, oh yeah, this isn't me at all.
I'm a pisces, does that make sense? Haha. I know it's a cop out but gosh I definitely identify with my star sign quite a lot. Pisces are notoriously known for feeding off of emotions and energies and molding themselves to fit in. That right there has basically been me my entire life. Time and time again I've found that this mold I carve myself into isn't a right fit and am then found back again questioning my existence.
Social media can suck you in and make you think you want to be something you're not. It happens to me a lot and I see it happening to many people every day. Every once in a while you have to just step back and re-evaluate everything. I love this blog. I love blogging and taking photos and sharing my journey. I care about that more than I care about how many people view my photos or find my posts interesting. I feel embarrassed that I thought doing something so artificial would somehow satisfy what I was missing.
Yesterday after having an incredibly pessimistic depression soaked day (Exhibit A: my last blog post), I went home and felt lost. Shay and I are staying at my house this week and for some sick reason, I convinced myself that that would mean he and I would stop seeing one another this week. It's been eleven months and three days. I have seen that man almost every day for eleven months and three days and somehow still I'm capable of convincing myself he doesn't like me and that what we have and do means nothing. He came over and had a long day too.
The thing is tho, his grumpy pants came and got right into bed to watch our show and we were sat at our usual position of normality. A couple that's been together for so long, all we do is watch netflix and chill right?
No. My silly dorky man gets comfy in bed, starts watching his show and then leans over and grabs from his bag out of nowhere a banana and starts casually eating his banana. I can not tell you why but I have literally never laughed so hard in my entire life. It was just so perfectly innocent and simple and funny and like us and it was perfect, you know? We laughed and laughed and came up with silly phrases and he is now known as the man with the banan and it made me happy.
He makes me happy and my life makes me happy and sometimes I'm so ridiculously lost in my head that I forget everything. Last night he let me cook for him and I made him a homemade pizza with garlic and herb dough. I baked him a whole pizza pie with chicken and spinach and cheese, onions, garlic, seasoning and more. I even cut up little tomato slices and lined the dough with oil and I was able to cook for someone I care about. I made a beautifully presented meal without needing to share it with anyone but him and myself. This generation and this society is so into sharing everything with everyone that we get lost in actually experiencing anything at all. I thought I wanted to take up vlogging and was focused on why people weren't following me on instagram and honestly? what the fuck was I thinking? I don't even share insanely important things about my life with my friends and family and somehow I convinced myself I'd want to do that with a bunch of strangers? I'm just not cut out for that dude. I go on here to ramble and journal and talk to myself. I read your comments, I love hearing what you say but if you say something or don't, I'm still going to keep writing. Everything is a learning curve and this is one of them for me.
Basically what I'm rambling on about is to say that I'm going to go back to being myself now and caring about this blog for me. I have a job that pays my bills and gives me time to explore and adventure. I have a camera that I love to use that I take with me to capture memories. I have people I care about that give me what I need every single day. This place is just for me.
Tonight I'm baking banana bread. Chocolate and peanut butter banana bread. I'm making it for my guy and I'm more than excited to do so. I might take a few snaps and have a memory to share but it's an experience and I'm going to spend my night living rather than editing and writing about a life I wish I lived. What I'm trying to get at here, friends, readers, folk, is make sure you're living life too every once in a while.
Don't get lost in showcasing an existence without existing in it too.