This is going to be one of those posts that'll come off super rambley and probably insane but bare with me here, I'm trying. I miss color. Isn't that such a silly thing to say? If you've been reading my rambles for some time now you'll know I'm heavily into figurative language. I was an English Junkie most of my life and I just remember every essay I'd ever written for school was filled with long sassy analogies or personifications of such and such. I like using colors to express my emotions and my photos. This past week was a nice break from "creativity". I actually didn't much take out my camera at all and aside from the posts on here, I was pretty blocked off from all things artsy and bright. Surprisingly though, it's been one of the most colorful energizing weeks and waking up isn't grays or whites anymore, rather I've been physically searching for color.
I miss seeing bright cheery photos on here that are laughter and activities and experiences. Those times at the beach last summer or going on adventures in the sun, they were so gosh darn bright. I felt colors and I felt alive. It was such a heavy weight that had been lifted off my shoulders to feel things and I just remember choosing those moments over everything else in life. With that realization though, came some hurdles. When you're growing and living a new better way, your old life still exists. With that transition of wants and needs, I grew away from things I'd once believed to care about eternally and those emotions had to come to the surface eventually.
I have never been more happy or content with myself than I am right now. I have days that are sad and lonely and dark but more importantly, I'm completely aware at all times that no matter what happens I'm not losing myself and I like the person I have become and continue to be. My family and friends who have known me for a while have no way of understanding this and in reality, how could they? I've changed. They haven't. My mom is still going to be the same person she's always been. My friends are still going to act and react the same way they always did. I just see things differently now and that's where this recent clash of darkness has been. When you try holding onto things you've grown apart from, you're prohibiting yourself from progressing and it hurts but running in a continuous routine of emotions is unhealthy and hurts just as much.
I realized that people were affecting me ways that I wasn't affecting them. They weren't able to see that my emotions were very real every time and with that knowledge I had to remove myself from those situations. I have always been an incredibly passive aggressive person who has trouble letting things go. Rather than fighting or wasting more lost words, I have now been able to just step away from people who are always going to be the same. This in no way means I don't care about people I've always loved, it purely means that I've learned to love myself more. I've become more important to myself where I no longer let people hurt me as much. There's only so many times you can die for someone.
The darkness of loss has been a hurdle. It's been an obstacle and I've backtracked countless times but with the same results every try. I'd always end up walking around the same circles wondering why things happened a certain way. I want to enjoy my brightness again and feel colors.
I'm feeling better lately, happier even if not content. I have more will to live than I did dying so many times and I'm not asking as many questions anymore because I've learned my lessons and answers. I want to live in colors again and I think it's about time to start doing that with a new state of mind. I had bucket lists last summer I quickly made up with irrational minds. I thought I'd never check off a single thing and it was just a gimmick to try. I checked off so many places on my previous lists and rather than feeling satisfied I kept adding to my lists and it was beautiful and bright. I vow to keep doing that. I vow to keep checking things off every bucket list I can write with myself and with whoever else joins me in my journeys. There's a new addition to my blog up on that little header line. It's my bucket list, it's a draft and a small list but I'll be adding to it often and experiencing things frequently and it's exciting to feel able and capable and light.
Shay and I are aiming to go to the Santa Barbara Zoo this weekend and it'll be journeys and adventures there too. I'm happy and I feel blue. Not a dark blue or a navy, a bright bizarre brilliant blue and it feels nice to look forward to sunshine and waves. Check out my bucket list, leave a comment with some other things to add too and let me know if you're feeling a color today. I hope your day and weekend is bright and colorful too.