Orcutt Ranch - Woodland Hills, CA


I say I want to experience life but I stop myself from experiencing too much. Emotions are very real for me. Sometimes the realest of my emotions is feeling nothing. Recently I've had a drain of sorts, I've felt it coming on these past few weeks and it's honestly scaring me in the moment because the person who feels everything isn't letting herself feel a thing. I like to think about how I'm going to feel about something before it happens. I overanalyze and calculate the appropriate emotions to have for the appropriate situations and the only real feelings I have without a plan are when I'm caught off guard and forced to feel without thought. 

I think it started before the holidays. I decided it would be hard for me to deal with them and that I shouldn't feel too much happiness for the things I do have and therefore when they came around I was controlled. I allowed sadness and I allowed pain and when they left I was able to forget about them quickly because I had already thought and planned it all out. Yesterday I found myself doing the same thing. Shay and I fell together through music. We had a lot of long drives over the summer and we followed the words of a special band - Oh Wonder. Last night we finally were able to go and see them preform live and they were wonderful, they were beautiful and enlightening and everything I could have hoped they'd be when I'd imagined it so many times before. That's the problem though, I'd already thought through how it would feel and how I would control it and I allowed the night to be good but I didn't let myself feel it too much. 

His arm around me at last night's show, the smile lines on his cheeks and the way our hands squeezed tight to every song that they played; it was euphoric, riveting, beautiful; but I wasn't fully there. You see, Oh Wonder had played before and I'd wanted to get us tickets. I'd already thought out all the possible feelings I could have about it. Utter happiness if we went, sadness and pain if we'd ended up not going, insecurities because of the crowded room, acceptance if the band wasn't as good as I'd hoped and joy if they played exactly how I wanted them to play. I felt all those emotions and accepted each one and I'd never even bought the tickets. This time around when I purchased our night, I knew exactly how I'd deal with the situation and therefore a lesser me was standing there holding Shay's hand. 

I don't know how to explain it really, it's like I'm so focused on controlling a situation that when it comes to it I let things pan out and literally feel myself watching me from afar, almost like an out of body experience, and accepting that that is the way things are. I think what's really troubling me is that Shay sees all of this. He knows. He knows before we get in the car that the lesser me is sitting with him and he understands that there's more to me than this person sitting beside him. He knows because he's seen the me that isn't controlled, the caught off guard me that has no idea what's going on but is accepting that fact to be ok. In the summer we fell together and I found love. I found love for myself honestly. I loved the person I was letting myself be with him, the girl who laughed uncontrollably without realizing the way she looks, the girl who was afraid of heights but would climb boulders above the ocean to see the same sea he was seeing, the girl who was terrified of driving but took back turns onto ocean side cliffs. I was completely lost and never had a single clue what we were doing and it was magical. It was the craziest experiences I'd ever had because it wasn't bullshit I'd seen in a movie or read in a book and everything I felt every single time was new and real and I had no way to prepare myself for it. 

I prepare for what it will feel like when I lose him every day. I see him and I literally want to cry sometimes because there's no way that someone like me could find someone that good to be with. Half the time I'm lost in my head thinking about all the reasons why it shouldn't be this perfect. Half the time I'm lost in my head telling myself what I'm feeling can't be true. I plan all the ways he can leave me and the reasons he can leave me for and I build a plan for each reason and convince myself it'll be alright if he's gone. It's sick really, the bridges I build and then I see him, I see the same look in his eyes that the girl on the boulder had and it kills me every time. I see that he sees my world the way I see it and he knows what I'm doing and it hurts him. 

I'm causing someone with feelings to feel everything I refuse to let myself feel. 

I thought about it last night and this morning and most days. I either need to decide that I can't let him in or I need to let myself feel things with this man without trying to understand them. We have something good, it's not normal; it's literally like every bone in my body knows his and if I just let myself it could be insane. I know that and it's terrifying. I know that if I just let myself actually really look at him it would be something I'd never forget. Nothing would look the same, feel the same, be the same because he's a part of me. It's easy to write it all down, it's easy to say it all out loud, it's not easy to actually let it happen but the fact of the matter is it already has. He's already changed my entire existence and he'll continue to change it until the end of time; whether I'm with him or without him. So I need to just choose. Choose to be complete and know that after something like this I'll have given everything to someone; if it ends I'll be left with nothing, not a thing but also to understand that for this, it's real and it's what people breathe for, people search for this in every corner of the world, something real, something to breathe for. I either trust that this is real enough for that or I let him go and watch all the emotions I could allow myself to have go with him. I could be back, safe in my cave and I'd function and breathe and exhale when it's appropriate. I'd work and focus and experience enough to keep moving but I'd never feel out of air; I'd never know what it's like to have something take my breathe away, to forget how my lungs work, to be winded from looking in someone's eyes.  

I need to accept that to be breathless I need to trust that he'll catch my air. 

And if he doesn't and all I am is wind and gasps then at least I'll know and understand that I was able to give that much to someone, that I'm able to be everything for one being, and if he doesn't catch me when I fall at least I'll know I was capable of falling at all. 

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