So this isn't going to be often or anything but since my nerves are a jittery mess and I just need somewhere to go to, I decided to make another post today. I don't think it's hit me yet what tomorrow really means.. I think it's going to hit me really hard and overwhelmingly when I find myself surrounded by so many people in class. I know my social anxiety is particularly bad around people my age and this is nothing like high school in America because I don't really have anything in common with anyone here. I'm also going to have to keep my nerves at a decent level and actually remember how to speak German. I keep imagining what conversations are going to be like but then again I have a feeling no one is really going to talk to me. I'm just feeling really sick about this whole situation. The relationship with my grandparents is so lifeless that they don't even know Uni starts tomorrow. I don't want to tell them anything. My grandmother is such a negative person who talks behind everyone's back and is just so rude 99.9% of the time, I don't need her bringing me down even more. After yesterday's events with my mom, I realised sharing things with people is something I need to just stop doing. I also need to work on my anger management, not that I'm aggressive or anything all the time it's just people make me really mad and rather than crying it out anymore I just get furious. My mom's tried calling me today and I just didn't answer. There's nothing I want to do more than have a conversation with her and let her support me about tomorrow and just say that everything is going to be ok. But that would be depending on someone, trusting someone with the fact that I'm scared about tomorrow and scared about where my life is going and just scared in general and confused, so so confused.Then at a later time, I'll get to hear how he or she or whomever was there for me that one time I needed to talk about my feelings regarding the start of Uni. I think that's why I finally made this blog thing, I don't want people telling me in the future that it was such a hassle putting up with my feelings and having to deal with me. I don't want to be a burden and I don't really know how it's going to tie in with the situation of social interaction, if I can't even talk to my mom anymore how in the world am I going to let a stranger get to know me.
I took a little cat nap earlier with Sparcky and ended up having a few nightmares as per usual. It's becoming overwhelming to constantly be tired but finding myself stuck and scared in dream world all the time. I don't remember the last time I really had a decent positive dream... and I think that says a lot about my life and everything that's been happening. Your dreams do reflect your inner most thoughts, and mine seem to just be dreadful. I woke up feeling sick and the ache in the pit of my tummy hasn't gone away since. I think it's just the nerves. Nerves are like the fall of a raindrop and the small splash it makes but rather than being one raindrop you're stuck in a storm and there's millions upon millions of small splashes that just keep washing away your hope.
I ended up forcing myself to half-ass my insanity workout today. I managed to do at least 40 minutes of the 59 so yah, a bit disappointing. I scrubbed my day away with a burning hot shower and made a dinner I forgot to taste. Now Sparcky and I are just sitting on the bed, forced inside by the rain and letting my nerves eat away at me. I'm going to try to find sleep soon and then it will start, the Uni adventure I've wanted for so long and now am dreading so much.
I just wish I could wash away with the rain.
Stefanie xx
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