Today I went to go do some final shopping in preparation for the first day of Uni tomorrow. I must admit, every now and then when I let myself think about tomorrow I forget how to breathe. I honestly have no idea how tomorrow is going to turn out and I want to stay positive but at the end of the day I need to be honest and remind myself I'm most likely not going to fit in with the people in my classes and it's going to be an incredible struggle keeping up with the courses that are in German. It's also really strange because this is the first time where I feel completely self conscious about my body for the first day of school. The first day of school used to be something I'd plan out for weeks and prepare for and just always feel amazing on because I had a new outfit I thought I looked great in and my hair was nice, etc. etc. This time around even though it's the first time I'm actually rather slim, I feel so self conscious about my body and that's my main focus... that I just don't look good enough yet. I mean, I had been over 200 pounds for the last four or five years and now after losing over 50 pounds, one would think I'd be more confident but it's just the complete opposite. I guess at the back of my mind I keep hearing a nagging voice telling me I'm still not good enough, I still haven't lost enough and I still don't look like the pretty girls I always envied. Insecurities are basically the foundation of my first day of school jitters now.
Tomorrow is going to be a loaded day with Orientation in the morning followed by Latin and then a first year law students seminar... It's also going to involve interacting with tons of other people and remembering names and teachers and classrooms and I honestly have no idea how I'm going to get through this. It's also going to be the first day of school where my mom and dad don't wish me an amazing first day and that sucks too. No matter how mad I am at how everything has unraveled, I still feel so little and tear up even thinking about it. University.. this is what I've been wanting, hoping for and all. I'm just really worried it's not going to be what I imagined and it will just be another mistake in this road map I'm trying to navigate.
On to less dramatic things and referring back to the first line of this rambling mess. I went shopping today for a new bag and a few last minute items for tomorrow. I purchased a big sophisticated bag from H&M that happened to be on the pricier side but it makes me feel powerful and it kinda gives off a mature vibe. I got it in the black color since basically all my clothing is black and it's furnished with gold zippers and such to make it look very put together.
The most important part for me was finding a bag that's going to fit all my school supplies and my new Macbook without looking too full. It opens up and fits basically all my essentials and there's even a shoulder strap which is perfect since I'm more used to having messenger or crossbody bags.
I already filled it up with the items I'm going to be bringing with me tomorrow just so that I don't forget things in my nervous escapade tomorrow morning.
I ended up packing my cheetah heart printed laptop case I purchased from ASOS, a purple folder, blue binder, two red notebooks, my blue homework notebook and my daisy covered planner. The other little bits and bops I gathered up as well were my black pencil case, my glasses, my wallet I got from Brandy Melville and some Lacoste Hand cream. My house keys and some spare flashcards have also recently been tossed in my new bag.
Tonight after my Insanity workout I'm going to have a long hot shower and shave and pluck and prepare for the day ahead. I purchased some new beauty items today as well which I have yet to try out including a brow pencil, lip liner and the perfect nude shade of lipstick. To finish off my shopping trip and add a hint of confidence I'm sure I'll be lacking tomorrow, I purchased myself a deep red nail polish and have spiced up my exterior with a strong confident color.
Tomorrow is going to be memorable and frightening, terrifying and hopefully at least mildly okay. Until then,
Stefanie xx
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