A Check In

It's been a long time. I think the reason I'm writing here mostly is because I hate to leave off where I did. The last few years have been a whirlwind for most people, including myself. Yesterday I was running and every once in a while things hit me. I miss Sparcky within my bones and my marrow. I realized yesterday that he is my idea of family and my memory of love. It's the holiday season and this year is just very much a season waiting to pass. It's been over a year now since he passed and although most days I hate thinking about how my memories are becoming more faded - I know in my heart that he was the most real thing I'd ever known. 

I came back here to look for photos of him. I started writing here in 2013. That's almost ten years ago. It's insane to look back at the posts and also so beautiful seeing how this little space really was the foundation for what my life is now. Seeing the early imprints of blogging and photography and passion. I can't believe I'm a photographer today. I can't believe I'm happy most days. I can't believe I found Shay and have the kind of love from him I dreamt of all my life. We're human, he and I. We are so very raw and burnt and torn and scratched from our lives and our pasts but what he and I have built for each other is something younger me could have only dreamed about. Writing isn't something I typically do when I'm feeling happy. I like to know that and realize that's why I haven't needed to write in such a long time. I just read my last words on him and realized I wanted to update this corner of my memory. He still has his back pain. I still have my depression. We are so much bigger than our pains. We are partners. We have two puppies and a kitten. We have a home. We began traveling this year and working together. I don't know what I want to say but I do just want to imprint it in these pages that he is and always will be my savior. It's the last week of twenty twenty-two. Next year I'm turning twenty-eight. I'm not young anymore. I'm more my own person than I ever have been and I'm growing still, healing still, breaking still. 

I'm actually looking forward to a new year. I'm still awkward. I'm still myself. I'm just becoming her more and more every day.