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2.07.2020

Mini & Mous

I'm sitting in my new office in our new home and I don't hear anything. Today was one of those days, the last few days have been days that I'm not sure I'll ever forget. I feel changed. I feel different. 
When I moved out of my parent's house I was so sure that I would never live a life without Sparcky. I just never thought ahead enough to know that he wouldn't be happy going from a busy family home to a small studio apartment. I didn't understand that I wasn't what was best for him anymore and I felt pain and sadness every day since I drove him back to my dads in the middle of the night because his whimpers broke my heart.
Sparcky was and is my first love in this world. He loved me so hard when no one else did. I knew that I was capable of love because of him and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him or what we had but I wouldn't change anything. I'm sad he's not living with me, I've been sad he's not living with me but I loved him enough to make sure he had a better life. 
When Ziggy died over a year ago things changed for me.
I'd never experienced loss or death and although it was an abundance of sadness and confusion and wrong feelings because he was gone too fast and too soon; it changed something in me. It was my first introduction on understanding that life can just end. It's just over and then it's done. I'd be lying if I didn't feel less inclined to be close to things after Zig. I also felt like we were left with this big mess to clean up. 
In all honesty I got Zig and Mini because I was sad without Sparcky. I wanted to love them as much as I loved Sparcky. When we found Mouse I just thought I could love her more and I was honestly just always trying to build this family I never had. I guess the one thing that's so very true about growing up is being able to reflect on your patterns. 
My patterns are trying to make myself a part of a family that isn't mine. Dilshika. Shay. The cats. It wasn't until the hardships of last year that I realized I wasn't meant to force anyone or anything into loving me; it can't be done. Family is such a loose term and it's just not one that belongs in the same sentence as me. 
When Ziggy passed the girls grew more sad. Then my mom moved back and I grew more sad. It wasn't until mid 2019 that I unraveled from my darkness and set my mind onto working harder and progressing again. I worked more and the girls got less attention. 
When we found the new house they weren't my first thought. They weren't my last thought either. Animals feed off of energy. There was a bad energy around us all. They needed something from me I couldn't give them and I wasn't strong enough to admit it.
It's February again. The month where last year I went dark and it's trying to slip in. On Wednesday I moved the cats to the new home and realized this couldn't be their home. It just wasn't right anymore. Everything was wrong and I'd made a decision when I was sad and twenty that I no longer could be responsible for. I didn't know what to do but I wasn't able to force myself to love them. That's all they ever wanted from me - love. I'd only ever wanted to give things love, I thought. But I've found that's not the truth and that's not who I am anymore and it's scary and sad but real. It's selfish. But it's wrong to house them in a home that doesn't love them the right way.
I started searching and my gut felt heavy and tight and sad. I couldn't even look at them. Last night they'd woken me up again and my thoughts were so negative so harsh, I had to do something. I posted them online again and within an hour a woman named Heidi replied.
I was so scared of separating them. I was so scared of having to surrender them to a shelter or a rescue. She came and she saw them and she was happy to see them. And then they were gone.
We live in a home without our cats anymore. 
I can barely write these words without feeling my skin crawl.
I genuinely know it was better for them. I genuinely think someone should be excited to see them everyday and to want to make time for them. Heidi has a yard and a child and a family and they went together. I just feel so different.
I feel like myself but I'm scared of who I am. I never thought I could be this person. I don't think I'm a terrible person but I don't know if I'm as good of a person as I thought I was either.
It's February 7th and things are different.
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1.02.2020

2020 Goals/Thoughts


Goals/Thoughts for 2020
Create and Develop a True Website Portfolio
More Beauty Photography
Film Photography
Travel Outside of California
Stand Up For Myself/Speak My Mind in Terms of Photography More
Dress better/cooler
Smile More, Laugh More
Shoot A Wedding
Get Better at Event Photography
Go to Catalina Island/Submarine Trip
Drink More Water
Healthier Skin Habits
Less to No Dairy Products
Visit a Doctor and Get Regular Check Ups
Travel More

  • Zion
  • Death Valley
  • New Mexico
  • Bixby Bridge 
  • Arizona
  • Utah
  • San Francisco
  • Yellowstone
  • Mono Lake
  • Texas
  • Seattle 
Ziplining
Stretch More/Hot Yoga More
Take My Vitamins Every Day
Be Happier, Live more in the moment

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12.30.2019

Big Sur's Ride Home



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Pinnacles National Forest & Monterey












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12.21.2019

I hate writing. I think I hate it because I know that when I need to sit down and write it means it's gotten really bad. It's been bad for a while. This whole year has been so bad. I just feel so betrayed and alone. I feel so alone and not a human. not a person. not a being. I feel so mad and just so done. 
I don't even know how to explain what happened today.
I've been working all the time. I work and everyone is so happy with me and thinks I'm so put together and I'm constantly helping everyone else out with their lives. I feel so used. I feel so entirely used at work and it's such a hollow feeling of losing my passion, my love. Love is such a cruel and sick lie. 
Anything that makes you happy can ruin you. It can fracture your spine and twist you like a nob and it doesn't matter; you're still meant to go on breathing.
I think there's so many things I've always failed to see. It's the second time this year it feels like I can't swallow; like something is so emotional it doesn't want me to breathe it anymore. My eyes are so foggy and my throat hurts from holding down the sadness. It's so dark and so lonely and so.
I don't know the right thing to do anymore. 
Sometimes when I cry enough I hear my mom's name and I feel her reaching for a hug. And it makes me cry more knowing she isn't hugging me and she never was there to hug me. She'd be happy Shay and I are fighting. She'd be happy Shay's mom doesn't like me.
She'd be glad to hear I still have issues with my weight.
I just wanted someone to love me. To love everything about me. to hug me and understand and then it blacks out and away and I can't remember.
I don't know if I should be mad.
We met this lady at a farmer's market last week. She was from Switzerland. I talked to her about Austria. I used to love Austria and German and I used to feel in German and think and love was taught to me in a different language. Sometimes when I'm this sad it feels like its foreign to be talking it out in English. It feels diluted and salty and fake. It feels like a robotic version of myself.
I wonder if I'll ever speak German again.
Shay's not here.
I know he'd be ok without me. His life wouldn't be very different. with or without me. 
I know that because no one's life is different with or without me.
All I ever wanted in life was to be missed.
I wanted someone else's life to feel empty without me.
I wanted to fill up someone's world.
I wonder how he'll get home.
I wonder if I should text him back and what should I say?
He always thinks I'm crazy when it's this dark.
It's so dark all I see are Christmas decorations and tears. I remember the Skye phone calls and telling my parents I'm coming home. 
I work so hard but I'm not even a real person. 
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11.10.2019

Walks


Everything feels hard to swallow lately. It's like a mound of pressure is constantly sitting on my chest and in my throat and I'm having trouble breathing. I've been crying. Tears are constantly sitting on my waterline waiting to drop and I'm so confused and tired. Shay just went out for a walk and he didn't ask me to come. Why am I sitting here? Why am I not running after him? I think I'll go. I'll go catch up. We won't talk. It's hard to go outside and leave this house. I'm so sad. Sad isn't even the word for everything anymore. I'm everything and nothing.
Gone for a walk.
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