Standing alone in our kitchen. Waiting for a sound of your cares. I miss when there was space for me next to you in every way, even despair. I feel you pulling away. It feels hard to breathe lately. You were always my air. 

Everyone keeps noticing that this may be our downfall. I can't imagine a life without you. I can't imagine a moment without you. I'm on a different floor and my heart is throbbing because your absence is present 

Your absence is present.

Backspace. Lost. I'm so tangled and tongue tied and dull and numb. It feels suffocating and quiet and lonely all at once. You're upstairs. Are you thinking about it? Are you thinking about me? We don't sit apart. I need you. I miss you. Your footsteps echo and all I want to do is hear you here.





Shay is sitting and playing the guitar.

The sun is setting and I’m so madly in love with this man it hurts.




June 22nd 

I feel like this time around is just so challenging. Maybe it’s just more alone. It just is very isolating. Shay is having such a hard time and I’m desperate for someone to just tell me it’ll be alright. I call Daniel. I don’t know why I called Daniel. I don’t even like Daniel. I’m a little mad that I did that. I have therapy today at 10:30 and I need it. I’m just overwhelmed. 

I feel like I have no one to talk to. 

June 23rd

I’m closing up. I feel it, it’s like the oxygen is being pulled out of the room. This whole assistant drama is just really challenging me. I cannot seem to jump into anything and I cannot seem to give anything an opportunity. I’m petrified of meeting a stranger. I’m so uncomfortable with the idea of getting hurt. It’s making me realize how stifling it’s been just limiting my variables to such a degree. 



Back Me Up

June 21

Recurring dreams. I always see the window. There’s a draft, probably the fan blowing on me in my sleep. I never look around my room much but I know it’s my childhood bedroom. It feels tight, hard to breathe. Purple. I always sit on the ledge and I’m always running. My fear of heights is never greater than my fear of what I’m running from. I always remember, this is a dream I never forget. My dream follows me. Through the day like I’m chased through the night. It’s  always dark, night, empty, quiet. 

Shay is suffering. My soulmate, my other half, my chess board is weak and fragile and uncontrolled. His pain is my pain, his pain pushes him from me and I watch him suffer. My sadness feels lonely, my strength feels weak. The voice at the back of my head is always crying for her mom. Needing someone to protect me from this reality, from the idea that life is unfair. Today I thought about a god, I thought about sacrifice. Take my ribs, take my spine. Let me have your back, be your back. 

I just want you to be ok. I want to be ok for us. I’m scared.



Fathers Day


 June 20

Today I met two sisters from Germany. One reminded me so much of my mom when she was young. Short hair and European features, just like her photo with the striped blue shirt. We talked about being raised cold, negative, dark, anticipating despair. How German is rough and harsh and somewhere loses the positivity in a day. Sometimes it’s crazy how meeting strangers allows you to see yourself and your past with different eyes. My heart hasn’t yet healed enough to look at the bigger picture behind my life’s photograph. It was earnest hearing another soul have such a similar upbringing and who is battling with the same depths and aches from our motherland. Culture tastes familiar because there’s family in similarity. She was a stranger that felt like family. Today is Father’s Day and my family feels like strangers. 



Thanksgiving Photo Journal

Happy memories. 

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