Back Me Up

June 21

Recurring dreams. I always see the window. There’s a draft, probably the fan blowing on me in my sleep. I never look around my room much but I know it’s my childhood bedroom. It feels tight, hard to breathe. Purple. I always sit on the ledge and I’m always running. My fear of heights is never greater than my fear of what I’m running from. I always remember, this is a dream I never forget. My dream follows me. Through the day like I’m chased through the night. It’s  always dark, night, empty, quiet. 

Shay is suffering. My soulmate, my other half, my chess board is weak and fragile and uncontrolled. His pain is my pain, his pain pushes him from me and I watch him suffer. My sadness feels lonely, my strength feels weak. The voice at the back of my head is always crying for her mom. Needing someone to protect me from this reality, from the idea that life is unfair. Today I thought about a god, I thought about sacrifice. Take my ribs, take my spine. Let me have your back, be your back. 

I just want you to be ok. I want to be ok for us. I’m scared.