October

It's Wednesday night in October and I'm smiling. Shay is sitting on the bed playing guitar and I'm here writing like I used to. I've been living. Time lately has been moving so fast and so slow all at once. I'm in a limbo with my innocence and my need to grow up and it's strange. There's so many people in my life now and all at the same time there's only one person I know. Some times I think about how I view the world and glimpse at a vision of my past thinking people with my thoughts are monsters. I think my way away from monsters but realize most days I have to be one to survive. 

I'm having trouble surviving. This year I found the ability to rationalize and I'll be honest - I hate it. I hate that not everyone can be your friend, not everyone is going to like you. I hate that you cannot survive by giving everyone your all and I hate that more days than not I'm disappointed. 

I don't want to focus on the sadness. The sadness is always there, sometimes I can literally blink my eyes and it's there. It's as if it rests behind my eyelids and the metaphors for living life without contacts always make more sense. 

We had a good day. There's so much noise lately in both our lives but we have each other. We hiked at our favorite trail; the simple one near the old studio, we went to a pumpkin patch and picked blackberries, I brought my camera and for once taking photos wasn't just going to work. We had our routines, we smiled and it was simple. 

Tomorrow I'm back to work after a few days away with myself. Locked in the house, coloring pages and ignoring the flickering screen of my responsibilities. I hate that my anti-social being makes a living being sociable. I need to make decisions soon. Do I want to keep doing this? Can I? 

Sadness is blinking in and tomorrow is a new day. 

I'm here. I'll try to run here more often instead of away. 

Just pictures of a day photos finally meant something again.