Today I Am Blue

Last year I loved different people. Last year I loved the same people different ways. I don't know what it is about today but I'm sad. I'm sad and it hurts and there's a heavy feeling pressing down on my lungs because everything is different and nothing has been the same. 

I don't have consistency. 

I have the same bones but a different body. A year ago I weighed different, looked different, felt different. I worked in a different corner of the world. I laughed at different ideas and notions. I felt a different happiness, different sadness. I owned a different nothing. I accomplished a lot this year. I should be thankful. Proud. Proud to be moving forward, progressing, evolving. 

Last year I spent Christmas with Dilshika and her family. I cried a lot. The year before I spent my last Christmas in Europe. I cried a lot. This year I have a new roof, my own roof to cry under and to experience beneath. I'm not sure what did it really. I'm sad because it's going to be the first Christmas I don't spend with Sparcky. I'm sad because the traditions I grew up with aren't my traditions anymore. I'm sad that I bought gifts for people I can't even look in the eyes. I'm sad because I speak English to my mother and to my father and that I feel like everyone's a stranger or the stranger is just me. I'm sad that Shay and I aren't spending the morning together. I'm sad that he didn't invite me to his family's house with him. I'm sad that I'm relieved he isn't willing to share that memory with me because I'm sad that next year I'll be reminiscing about this. 

I'm sad because I know I'm moving forward and I'm doing everything right however I still feel sad. I'm sad that I have money and my own place and a stabile job and a creative outlet but that still doesn't equate happiness. Yesterday Shay and I had a fight. For the almost seven months of spending time with him, we don't fight much. We used to fight over being together; labeling our us but I let that notion go and we stopped fighting. 

Now we fight because I'm distant. 

I feel a lot. I feel a lot of emotions all the time over everything possible. I don't just feel a little of anything, it's entirely encompassing and irrationally it. I feel sadness therefore I feel drowned in the emotion of being sad. It can last a minute or a day, it can hang around for hours or it can just be forgotten and blinked away. I used to get in trouble for my emotions. It's a lot for someone to understand and to handle and to deal with; someone who is constantly feeling things. I used to try to tell people, try to explain and it never made much sense to anyone and it never really sat well. It always came back to the point that what I was feeling was a lot and that I had to find a way to control that emotion in order to be sane. So I changed. Instead of feeling all of everything, I shut off. I get quiet and I crawl inside myself and digest my emotions with myself. I can be sitting beside someone who cares about me and wants to hear me pour out my soul and I'll be stuck inside my head, listening to my heart tell my brain tell my body to stop feeling and to let things go. Shay doesn't not see it. I think that's the hardest part. Most times when someone says something that affects me, they won't realize it or see it and go on. I learned from them to move past those things and to not stir the pot by bringing up silly little things. Shay knows. He knows the second something is wrong and he's like me, he's a fixer. He wants to fix it because he sees me crawling into my corner and he knows it can just be solved. He knows that if we just talked about it for even a few minutes, it could be ok. We're good for each other. We communicate. We have that ability. But I forget or I don't have the ability to remember that he's that way when I'm so focused on being my way and so I go quiet and I shut down. He asks what's wrong and it's countless and repetitive and it takes me a good while to swallow away the feelings and be able to put them into words. 

Patience. No one should have to be that patient. No one should have to deal with someone like that. I don't know how to feel about the whole thing because it'd be as simple as just stopping and talking to him, to Shay, and even if it was irrational or ridiculous he'd still be willing to listen, to digest and to fix. But I don't give him that chance and I shut down and I lose him. 

"There's only so many times this can happen before I can't take it anymore." 

He spoke about the future yesterday. When we fought about the nothingness in my everything and he told me he wants a future. I don't know if he meant with me or if he meant with somebody but he wanted a future and that's a new thing I learned about him. Whenever I think of him I realize I will lose him one day. I know that that day will be hard but it won't change all that I've gained before the loss. I came to terms with that a while back. It limited our relationship by thinking of forever so I stopped thinking about tomorrow and only thought about him today. Yesterday he admitted there could be a tomorrow and a next week and a next year and even though the thought should have made me happy I just couldn't help thinking if I'll be loving him next year.

Nothing in my life for the last few years has been consistent. A lot of it is my fault. I take the blame for almost all of everything, my feelings and me, we destroy things. 

My brother phoned me today. He only calls when he needs something. He called to find out if I'll ever move back in because he wants to renovate my room, my old four walls. The idea didn't make me sad, it just made me tired. I won't be moving back in and that old home that wasn't a home will never be my home again. The tired talk went on to include a Christmas invitation and me being myself, I declined. I'm the black sheep of the family who won't put on the fake happy face and sit with strangers on the holidays. 

I'm sad because I'm alone. I'm alone because I choose to be. 

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