Pushing Away

I think the people who truly matter sometimes are the hardest to talk about. Three years ago I was in love. Three years ago I fell in love with someone who fell in love with the me I was pretending to be. It was encompassing. It was the first time in my life that I cared more about someone else's existence than my own and though that sounds selfish, that truly is what I think love is. Caring for someone so much that you no longer matter. You become second priority to this other being and nothing can ever change that. Three years ago I gave myself to another human being and they became my everything. I knew I loved him. I knew I loved him because I wasn't able to lie to him. So I told him the truth.

I wasn't ok for two years. Two years after I told him, I still saw those eyes. I had never felt so empty before in my entire life. I had lost someone. Someone so important to me and there was no way of fixing it. I just had to learn to be without him and I knew that what happened was my fault and I had to pay for my mistakes. 

The only way I was able to move on was by becoming someone that someone could love. I stopped lying and I stopped pretending and if someone didn't end up loving me it was because they didn't love me. Not someone I was trying to be. I haven't loved the same since then. I'm sure we all have our first heartbreak tales and they change you. People will change you. I spend a lot of time now meeting people and making sure that they won't affect me to the point of not being able to live without them. I make sure that one foot is always out the door because in case they change their minds about me, I won't have to go down that road again. I'm ok now. I'm always ok. I wish I'd let myself try to be happy again but I just push. I push everyone away. It's what I'm good at. Never letting someone get close enough for me to truly be able to care. Doing something to show them I don't care because I feel myself caring. Caring about someone more than I care about myself.  

I'll keep pushing until they stop caring. But I'll always care. 


  1. I wish that I had a piece of sage advice tucked away inside, but I don't think I do. I know what it's like to push people away -- and to go to the other extreme as well, to pull a Charlotte Lucas and be overly affectionate to make sure that I'm loved, and then realise that it's not the right thing to do. Perhaps I do have a little bit of "advice" after all: letting your head rule can be good, but don't let it always overrule your heart, if it comes to it. I did that -- just the once -- and it's the only thing I regret doing in my life.

    Always keep your chin up, Stefanie.

    Shae xo

  2. This is so beautifully written. I can completely relate to every single word you wrote :<

    I once read that flowers don't bloom for the bees, yet they attract them once they're fully bloomed. I hope that you continue on being your true self, and eventually the right people will come into your life <3

    x Alona



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