Tense Hands

 Tense hands. Jointed fists. I’m so tense, clashing teeth. I’m so comfortable in my head and am enjoying my surroundings but man, I am so annoyed with everyone else. They aren’t doing enough. Thinking enough. Understanding. I’ve been less focused on food and self defeating behavior but also feel selfish, feel personal, feel happy inside myself and annoyed with anyone who disturbs my alone time. Work outs bring out the worst of my thoughts, the most resistance. My body hurts, my brain is tired from work and my partner is like a hawk watching my every move. It doesn’t do everything it does for him and sometimes it’s a battle. I’m hanging onto negative passing words again. I can feel it. Sitting outside my brain I’m looking at what I’m remembering about the day and it pulls those negative seconds and makes it an entire day. Ticking second that condone an entire existence. Breathe. Exhale. Write. Not everything is meant to attack, attach, impale. 

I’m also suddenly noticing my insecurities again. They don’t even feel like insecurities, they feel like annoyances that I’m sick of being annoyed with. I called a doctor to consult for rhinoplasty and suddenly have no fear. Food doesn’t look good because feeling good and looking good suddenly matter. It’s a confusing time right now.

Nightmares are back, thoughts are back. I think I can make it out better. But I notice it. The darkness. It’s awake.