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Saturday, January 13, 2018

Trying to Understand Myself.

I have this problem with hating to admit I can't fix things myself. This sounds like one of those eye rolling obvious issues that most people have but I feel like this is a deeper issue that I refuse to believe. I'm a very calculated person who always knew that to understand something, allows you to know it. There are many things I know about myself and therefore I understand. 

There's this one thing I cannot seem to fix alone and even as I'm writing this, I'm still trying to. The thought of expressing what I express to myself as often as I do to someone else makes absolutely no sense to me. I see it as a mix of being prideful and unwilling to admit to my flaws but also a mixture of the inability to burden others with my issues. I have a food addiction. It's the worst part of me and it's something that just won't go away. 

I started going to meetings and at first they helped but for some reason I turned into someone self riotous in those meetings and cannot admit to even a group of like minded people that I cannot seem to solve this problem. I'm aware it's there at all times of the day and when I eat out of control, I still don't tell anyone. My mind starts to work and I problem solve and I come up with an array of solutions and although that should be the end of it, it's not. I can sit there and think of a hundred different ways to avoid and/or control my issues and then an hour later I've lost it again. 

That's terrifying. 

I know Shay is aware of everything that he sees go on but he's not aware of everything that isn't spoken and I just can't talk about it sometimes. Most times. A big part of these meetings involves getting a sponsor. The idea of talking to someone frequently is absurd to me and makes no sense and isn't something I see myself doing for an extended period of time. The idea of someone knowing me more than I want them to doesn't make sense and makes me anxious and uncomfortable. My own life partner who I live with and breathe with every day of my life already knows more than I'm willing to share. 

So I sit here and I stir and I think and I get frustrated by the lack of solutions I can make out to solve this issue, this disgusting problem I shouldn't have. It's not even that I binge anymore because I don't feel as though it's at that point right now, it's that I still think about food and when I don't have every second of my day filled, I still eat as easily as I breathe. I know I shouldn't go into a grocery store alone but I do. I know that buying two of anything with the idea of saving one for later never works out, but I do. I talk to myself in my head and convince myself everything that should be true but I'm wrong. 

It's scary being so in your head that the same thoughts providing you with solutions to your problems are controlled by the same mind that convinces yourself it's ok to do the exact opposite. That part destroys me and confuses me and frustrates me to no end. Why do I even try fixing myself when I'm the one trying to destroy me too? Why do I continue to destroy myself when I'm trying to constantly work on bettering myself too? My mind is an oxymoron, my existence contradicts itself and it's infuriating. I'm so self deprecating that I go out of my way to make my life harder while simultaneously working on something that's supposed to be making it better. 

It's hard, it's hard right now and nothing has even happened. It's just hard knowing all of this and understanding all of this but still feeling so lost in a problem. 

I'm not going to ask for help today. I don't want help. I want to help myself. So I'm going to try again to control this problem. Maybe I can just start to write it down more. This helps. Just try to keep solving this stupid equation. Just try. At least I'm trying. 

I'm just scared of realizing one day trying isn't getting me anywhere and then I'll just backtrack. But today's not that day. Today I can still try. I don't really know where to end this thought. It's never ending. It's a constant in my mind and it's a constant in time. 

I have a problem and I really just want to be able to solve it on my own. 

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1 comment:

  1. I really hope that writing this helped, and I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling like this. Opening up can be incredibly tough and I fully understand why you wouldn't want to. Sending lots of love

    Steph - www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

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