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Monday, January 15, 2018

Growth.

Yesterday was the first Sunday in a long time that was just pure and gentle happiness. Shay and I have finally gotten re-adjusted into our home after a few months of hectic responsibilities. We both were fighting off a cold most of the first days of the new year and now by mid January everything is feeling organized. 

Writing here the other day really helped. Ever since that day, I've been ok. More than ok actually, I feel in control at the moment. It's Monday today and usually around this time I'd be in a meeting that starts at seven and reminds me I am flawed. Today's meeting was actually canceled and rather than feeling guilty or wrong for not going, I feel at terms with myself. A lot of last year and the year before and I suppose most of my life, a pattern was to just convince myself nothing was wrong. Coming to terms with the fact that I need to face myself is helping, whether it's gradual or not. 

This is the first week of work I'll be back in full force. I have two test shoots this week with a makeup artist and a packed Thursday and Friday. Saturday I'm stepping completely out of my comfort zone and heading on a plane for a day trip to San Francisco. That sounds so out of character for me which is the most exciting part. 

When I was younger, I didn't have a personality I could call my own. I always tried to be like everyone else and what it left me with was being no one at all. Growing into my own beliefs and thoughts these past few years has been challenging but also so rewarding. I used to be uncomfortable with the idea of stepping outside of my boundaries. I used to never do things out of character because everything was out of character for me. The freedom of knowing I'll still be myself in whatever situation life presents me with is powerful. I feel more and more like the woman I am and realize she is also the woman I've always wanted to be. 

I'm growing. This blog or more so personal collection of memories is a sure sign of that. Growth and healing and character; it's crazy how the things we are taught all our lives don't really mean anything until we've lived them ourselves and find true definition in experience. 

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