Friday.

It's Friday and midday. I should be editing or working or doing something productive but instead I'm feeling weak and my gut feels deep and hollow. Anxiety is bizarre the way it feels inside your head. I had a lot of coffee today, that never really helps. We applied for two places this week and it's hard. We're not ideal candidates, not ideal adults. Shay and I talk about it often; how when you're fourteen you figure by the time you're twenty-two the world will seem easy and you'll really know about a thing or two. Every year I get older the only thing I'm learning is that I haven't actually learned a thing at all. 

I gravitate towards negativity. If you give me a scenario that is left up in the air, I will always sway to the worst ways. I'm anxious about not being able to find a place and I'm really bothered by not having a hair tie to hold my hair out of my face. Do little things ever get to you? Like how am I meant to afford a two bedroom condo when I don't even own a second mug for goodness sake? 

Don't know why I've been so nervous every day. I'm waiting for something, anxious and anticipating but nothing is coming up; nothing is set to play but I'm nervous. Scrambled. 

I really hate waiting for things to happen, giving a situation some control. I used to write about being in control and then realised there's a lot I truly avoid and sweep under the rug. 

Something feels sad. 

It's a wave. Some days I wish my life wasn't an ocean. It's just Friday.