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Tuesday, September 8, 2015

A lot of Life


Today I was able to spend the afternoon in bed with my little one. I've been slipping back in between my covers more often lately. A lot of my life is changing at the moment and sometimes it gets a little hard to get out of bed. My blog has always been more of a journal and I love looking back at my older posts and seeing the emotions and feelings of that moment. Sometimes I beat myself up for not being more commercial or having a clear theme on my site but in all honesty, these posts are just who I am. They're what I'm feeling and how I'm growing. I'm not trying to sell anyone anything I'm just trying to tell my story. 

Something I've struggled with time and time again was my living situation. I started blogging back when I was in a whole different world, literally. I was living in Europe and I was very unhappy and always felt unwelcome in a world that didn't understand me. Since then I've moved back to America, of course and just fell back into place at my parent's house. My family is not ideal, we are not close knit and we all have gone through enough where that is completely understandable. It's been almost two years now and it's been living with strangers for the most part. We walk on eggshells and all live in our four walls and little by little those walls are being broken down. My older brother moved out about three months ago and recently my mother and little brother have decided to go their separate ways as well. My father is choosing to stay in my childhood home and I'm kind of just left here, hiding under my covers, avoiding the reality that is my situation. 

Now, I'm twenty years old and I have been paying rent for quite some time. I have a job and have been providing for myself for as long as I can remember. I always promised myself that if I were to move again it would be to somewhere I could call my home. I haven't felt comfortable anywhere in a long time but living with my family was easy. I have a dog that needs taking care of when I'm working long days and someone was always home to make sure he was well and ok. I'm eternally grateful for that and he is one of the big reasons I haven't ever just gotten up and left.

I have a guy that I like who I can see myself with in the future. I have a best friend I would love to live with. But he's not sure about me and she's not financially stable and even if the love I have for them is eternal there's no real guarantee that that feeling flows both ways. My mother is asking me to move in with her. Not because she wants me there but because it would help with the rent. That reality is all too painful to understand. I know that if I move out I won't come back to my home, this house, this building that has sustained the growth of all of us children and the break of my parents. I know that if I tell my mother no, we will not speak for a while and I will lose what little definition the term family still applies to in my life. Living on my own would be difficult and painful, freeing yet draining and would ensure a stability to a life I'm not entirely sure I want. 

I'm at quite a crossroads at the moment and I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. A lot of everything feels detached at the moment. The attachments I've grasped onto are waring thin and the newer elements of my life are starting to scare me because of this turn of events. I know I deserve a real home and I know I don't deserve being forgotten all too often but I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough to go for what I deserve. So, that's where I'm at at this moment and point in time and even though putting this out there isn't going to solve all my problems but at least I can look back in a year or so and read this post of emotions and understand that I made it. Something changed as life always does and who knows what is going to happen in the next few months but it's a rollercoaster and it's a lot lately. 

A lot of life. 
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