Scattered


The weekend is over and Monday is here. These past five days were such a dream that it's really hard waking up today and realising I'm back to reality. Shay and I had a house. We cooked together, went to sleep together, woke up together and for five days we had a place to live and stay and grow. One word that always tends to get to me is 'Home'. It's been a long time since I've felt like I've had a real home. In Austria I always had a hard time feeling comfortable and back here now, the walls that I wake up to are shelter but never quite home. Home for me is a place I could feel comfortable, vulnerable, express myself in every corner and feel weight lifted every time I open my front door. Yesterday as we were driving back from running errands, he called the house our home and for five days I felt like I had one too. 

I'm at a bit of a stand still at the moment as I'm once again reevaluating and trying to see what I really want to do with my life. It's funny how the people that come and go in your life can have such an impact on the entire scheme of things. Lately life has been more about traveling and experiencing. Writing on here and taking photos has become more important and I've been counting time only to see when I'll be free of my responsibilities and back to feeling lost and alive. I've had a lot of free time lately at work as my boss is traveling and the confines of an office room really tend to itch after twelve hour days. I'm become wary with my path again and find myself envious of people pursuing a freer passion. I'm a paralegal. I'm a good paralegal. If I keep heading in this direction I could be a good attorney and then I could become a great attorney. There's a clear path I can hike down that can offer rewards and titles and stability. 

I'm an amateur photographer. I'm an illogical traveler but I find so much more joy in experiencing life lately than the control of an office corner. I wake up mornings thinking of ways to get through the work day to move onto an adventure at night. I'm a bit out of control at the moment with my thoughts and am having second thoughts about my path. 

For the moment, the one way to gain better control of myself is to focus back into something I can adjust and fix. I've begun caring more about my body and food again. Restricting, limiting, adjusting, fixing, controlling the food I'm taking in and the work I'm doing to burn it off. I feel good but also know that this new breed of control will cause me to begin looking for more in myself. I'm a very scattered person and I usually work towards the extremes rather than the healthy mediums. I can already feel myself looking in the mirror differently so I need to be careful with my current state of mind. 

Shay is going out of town next weekend so maybe by Friday I'll be more relaxed and have a better grasp on my reality. Life is hard sometimes and every day can be different so maybe tomorrow I'll wake up content with my office space again, happy and proud of my little pathway. Maybe tomorrow I won't. I'll skip work and drive off for a while. Maybe just travel and not come back. 

I really don't know at the moment. It's all just very..

Scattered. 

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