I wasn't ok for two years. Two years after I told him, I still saw those eyes. I had never felt so empty before in my entire life. I had lost someone. Someone so important to me and there was no way of fixing it. I just had to learn to be without him and I knew that what happened was my fault and I had to pay for my mistakes.
The only way I was able to move on was by becoming someone that someone could love. I stopped lying and I stopped pretending and if someone didn't end up loving me it was because they didn't love me. Not someone I was trying to be. I haven't loved the same since then. I'm sure we all have our first heartbreak tales and they change you. People will change you. I spend a lot of time now meeting people and making sure that they won't affect me to the point of not being able to live without them. I make sure that one foot is always out the door because in case they change their minds about me, I won't have to go down that road again. I'm ok now. I'm always ok. I wish I'd let myself try to be happy again but I just push. I push everyone away. It's what I'm good at. Never letting someone get close enough for me to truly be able to care. Doing something to show them I don't care because I feel myself caring. Caring about someone more than I care about myself.
I'll keep pushing until they stop caring. But I'll always care.