Well it's Monday morning right now but since I took these pictures yesterday I shall call the blog post Lazy Sunday. To be completely honest, I haven't been wanting to post blog posts lately because I've just been having a super hard time with everything and it's been hard for me to even think remotely positive. Last week I spent most of the week studying for my final which was on Friday and I honestly studied my little tushy off, the professors made it seem as though since it's our first final after the class being only five days we would only have to know the basics and then we'd be fine. So I studied the basics and got the jist of things and went in there scared shitless because this would be my first Uni final that would also be in German so ya, hyperventilation. What ended up happening was just a disaster, it was a packet of questions that was almost 10 pages long and it was so complex and precise and I basically guessed for every single one and I left the place just feeling so shit. Shit about how I just wasn't smart enough, I felt like a failure, I even decided I couldn't do this anymore and that I just wanted to move back to California. I figured that it was difficult for me because German is not my first language and that's why I'm a failure and I just had a huge pity party and it was horrid. Later that night I found out that basically everyone in my class was in the same boat and was feeling miserable about the test which let me know.. it's not just me. That made things a little better but in the end I had still majorly flunked an exam, my first exam.
The weekend went on with work on Saturday which I have to say, was just enjoyable. I love working, I love feeling like I am doing something to provide for myself. It's simply nice to feel accomplished and hard at work and I truly enjoy my coworkers and the place I work. I work in a small coffeeshop that's inside the major bookstore in town and it's just a perfect location for me. I love books and I love coffee so the combo is simply wonderful. I also just really enjoy being a waitress and getting tips is an added bonus to the whole deal. Gerhad and I work together every Saturday and he's a great guy who I really get along with. I ended up working for ages that day, I started at 9 am and went till about 6:30 pm, so it was just a super long day.
On a side note, I've been having really weird foot aches lately that have been just unbearable. I don't actually know what it is or what's wrong but my toes and the ball of my foot have simply been aching and it's just been so annoying and working all day Saturday didn't make it any better. I was actually meant to go to the doctor today but I'm really afraid of doctors and all that jazz so I'm just trying to fix it myself but it's frustrating and hurts and ugh.
Rewinding back to yesterday which was Sunday, I had an okay day. I found an old jumper I purchased last year around Christmas that never fit right, it fits like an oversized dress now and it's big and baggy and comfortable. I found it just being perfect for autumn weather and lounging around on a Sunday. I ended up wearing it out as well when I went for a walk with my mom on Skype.
My aunt had passed away 10 years ago last week and on the day I was incredibly busy with school and studying so I told my mom I would skype her on the weekend and we'd walk down to the cemetery and light a few candles at her grave. I walked about 2 miles or so, there and back and we talked about lots of things and payed our respects to my aunt's grave. The cemetery is actually super beautiful in the fall, the leaves are all falling and there's an eery feeling of intense beauty all around.
The cemeteries in Europe are so beautiful. My mom and I constantly talk about the insane difference to the ones in America. In America a cemetery consists of little plaques that are spread out on a green grassy field and to get around the cemetery you literally have to walk ontop of most people's graves. It's so disrespectful and kinda gross because it feels as though you're disrupting peoples resting places. Here, every tomb has a section and there's walkways designed so that you don't have to find yourself walking on anyone's grave. It's all very beautiful and peaceful. It's sad though, sometimes I find myself reading the names and dates on some of the tombs and people die so young or some graves are just left forgotten. It's such a scary realisation to think that one day that's all we will be, a part of a decaying world possibly left forgotten although all we wanted was to be remembered.
As the night grew near, I never imagined it to end so badly again. As I'd mentioned I've just been dealing with a lot lately, it's simply not easy living in a foreign country and not feeling as though you belong everyday. I always thought going to school would make things a little bit better but school has just depressed me more and made me feel even more lonely. I'm always sitting alone and I just don't really fit in with people anywhere. I think one of the hardest parts is just coming home to feeling unwanted as well. I live with my grandparents and we just don't get along very well. They're getting significantly old and they just think negatively and don't understand that I'm not like people here and they just judge me basically every day and every second over everything. I've come to the point of just going out of their way most of the time and just not talking to them because it's the easiest way to avoid a fight.
Last night just blew up so fast and it's so aggravating, everything, the whole situation here is just infuriating and frustrating and depressing and sad. As I'd mentioned I've been having really bad foot aches and I told my mom that they still didn't go away so she recommended I go see the doctor that has an office up the road. I don't really like doctors and as childish and naive as it seems, I've never had to go to one on my own either. They scare me and for some stupid reason I actually thought my grandma might offer to go with me to see the doctor since I was scared. When I first moved here my grandparents made it very clear that they thought I was overweight, they called me names and I ended many days crying myself to sleep because of it. Now a year later, I've lost almost 60 pounds total and it's just a new wash of insults from them, I'm hearing from them that I'm anorexic, they complain about my working out and they tell me to eat differently when I choose to live life healthier. It just honestly feels like I can never win with them. Recently I've been doing the Insanity workout and it involves a lot of cardio so jumping around and such. I workout in my bedroom which is in the second story and since the house is seemingly old, it causes a little bit of noise and booms to vibrate down when I workout. My grandma has complained about it often but I just need to workout because lately I feel like it's the only thing keeping me sane. Anyway, last night I was on skype with my mom and I went downstairs mid call to put food on the stove and happened to tell my grandma that my mom recommended I go see a doctor about my foot problems. Rather than being concerned that I need to see a doctor or even asking what's wrong she tells me it's my own fault for working out and jumping around so much. I was just fed up with such a blatantly disrespectful response that I shut the door and left, telling her to forget I had said anything at all.
Of course, she doesn't leave it at that and begins phoning my mom whose on skype with me and then proceeds to come upstairs into my room without knocking to complain to my mom about what a disrespectful horrible person I am for never talking to them about anything. I tell her to leave me alone, I tell her to go away, she just continues to yell about how horrible I am and how disruptive I am to their lives. I start shaking with tears because I can't handle this ontop of everything else right now and she just keeps screaming not in the least affecting by the fact that I'm crumbling in front of her and when I yell one last time to leave my room, she says I don't have a room, this is her house and nothing here belongs to me. I lose it and grab a jacket still in my boxers and night clothing and leave the house. They don't even try to stop me or follow after me or worry where I am at 10 pm in my pajamas in a foreign country in freezing temperatures. I ended up sobbing in a side alley and having a panic attack and just losing it as always, my mom ends up phoning them and both my grandparents go on to talk about what a mistake I am and how horrible I am and I get to hear them think illy of me all night. I end up slipping back in an hour later because I was just too cold and just cried until my eyes were sore.
I don't actually know what to do from now on. I only told her that I had to go to the doctor, I wanted her help and wanted her to offer to go with me but she just ended up yelling and it ended up being another big fight. I have no one here and I can't just go back to California. Everyone there will just tell me they told me so, tell me it was my own fault for leaving. I don't know what to do about my future. I don't know what to do about today. I don't know anything anymore.
I know it sounds silly but I even looked up, what to do if you're feeling suicidal last night because I honestly lately have just been falling so deep I can't take this anymore. Something very significant stood out from the article I found, it said that,
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain"
and I just found myself thinking that's exactly what it is right now, I just have so much pain inside and I just don't remember the last time I was happy or okay and I've been trying to cope with it, I've been trying to fix things and find a reason, a will, anything but lately the pain has just been too strong, I've just been too hurt and I've just been too sad and I don't actually know what to do anymore.
I just needed to put it all into words, I know this is an abrupt end to a blog post but I just needed it down in words, maybe if something does happen, someone will read this and understand that I really did want to be happy. I really did want to make something of my life. I really do want the pain to stop and I really do need it to get better.
I just don't know how anymore.