Villain

 You can be the villain in their story and that's okay. 

Little Swimmers

I read somewhere once that most people believe years almost go in an order where some are tough and then the next one is easier, an ebb and a flow that allows people to catch their breath. I always think about people who live the same life every year. Who don't progress or more forward or backward and can look at their entire calendar and know exactly how it's going to play out. I lived in fear of becoming that person. I didn't know what caused it; the stagnant cycle of remaining the same. I was so afraid of turning thirty before this year came and now that it's here I've never felt more myself. This year feels big. A lot of things that have been festering in my life for thirty some years are really working themselves out and it feels like our deck of cards is starting to lay out. I almost don't want to acknowledge it because the pessimist in me fears it'll be snatched away. This year started with us working on my immigration situation. Come February and we're in the system, we're moving forward, it feels surreal. 

I think having a family has always scared me. Being a mother is an absolute fear of mine. I think it is truly my greatest fear. Two years ago we started trying to have a baby. I say that very loosely, it was more of a - if it happens, it happens - type of deal. Last year when Shay stopped working at his guitar company we started looking at the idea as more of a realistic possibility. When things weren't happening naturally we took a look at some of our tests and found some infertility issues. Being the absolute pessimist in the relationship, I somewhat settled into not hoping or thinking and more so being sad and mourning what could be. Shay shifted gears, he researched and worked on everything he could do to help naturally get us to a starting point. Yesterday we tested and for the first time, there were swimmers. We went from no chance to suddenly a chance. I don't know what this means moving forward but it does mean that there is a push forward. I haven't really processed any of it and my brain hasn't really caught up with the news. I'm scared, terrified but also open. This morning I felt compelled to write about it. I knew it was a big moment. A big stepping stone. So here I am, writing, because if one day one of those swimmers helps become a little thing I want it to know his or her father was overjoyed last night. He told me he felt like "he had a purpose." My husband doesn't say things to say them, he doesn't mince words or just fluff up kind poetry. His honesty is the most beautiful light in him and last night he was smiling ear to ear because he wants this. And so the decision and worry and fears don't matter because if we get the chance to have a baby, it will be loved and cherished and cared for by the same man who loves and cherishes and cares for me and we'd be the luckiest little energies. 

Almost Thirty

Came across this blog today and cried over how beautiful it is to have somewhere I wrote for so many years. I'm turning thirty on Monday and wanted to give myself the challenge of coming back on here to write and remember. Today I read over a blog post I wrote in 2015, 10 years ago where I talked about how impactful meeting Shay felt and how it felt like he was going to change my life forever. Ten years later and we're married and have a life together. That feels absurd and insane and beautiful. I also come here often to think about Sparcky and remember him. Losing him is something that I mourn every day. I cried today to think that I'm beginning my first new decade without him in my life. It's funny how when you're young the idea of getting past twenty-five seems absurd. Turning thirty feels like my life is only just starting and I can't believe there's so much of it still to live. I never imagined living a life without him or without my family or with Shay or anything at all. I think it could be good to write here and remember this new time. Just a check in for now, but I'll be back. 

A Check In

It's been a long time. I think the reason I'm writing here mostly is because I hate to leave off where I did. The last few years have been a whirlwind for most people, including myself. Yesterday I was running and every once in a while things hit me. I miss Sparcky within my bones and my marrow. I realized yesterday that he is my idea of family and my memory of love. It's the holiday season and this year is just very much a season waiting to pass. It's been over a year now since he passed and although most days I hate thinking about how my memories are becoming more faded - I know in my heart that he was the most real thing I'd ever known. 

I came back here to look for photos of him. I started writing here in 2013. That's almost ten years ago. It's insane to look back at the posts and also so beautiful seeing how this little space really was the foundation for what my life is now. Seeing the early imprints of blogging and photography and passion. I can't believe I'm a photographer today. I can't believe I'm happy most days. I can't believe I found Shay and have the kind of love from him I dreamt of all my life. We're human, he and I. We are so very raw and burnt and torn and scratched from our lives and our pasts but what he and I have built for each other is something younger me could have only dreamed about. Writing isn't something I typically do when I'm feeling happy. I like to know that and realize that's why I haven't needed to write in such a long time. I just read my last words on him and realized I wanted to update this corner of my memory. He still has his back pain. I still have my depression. We are so much bigger than our pains. We are partners. We have two puppies and a kitten. We have a home. We began traveling this year and working together. I don't know what I want to say but I do just want to imprint it in these pages that he is and always will be my savior. It's the last week of twenty twenty-two. Next year I'm turning twenty-eight. I'm not young anymore. I'm more my own person than I ever have been and I'm growing still, healing still, breaking still. 

I'm actually looking forward to a new year. I'm still awkward. I'm still myself. I'm just becoming her more and more every day. 

February

 I think Sparcky's death really changed me. I think somewhere in my heart I thought if I could love something enough it would never leave me. If I just did what I was supposed to - time and life wouldn't deal me the same cards. Shay and I are having issues. I don't remember when it started, I don't really know if it was any one thing or if it just changed. I think life started happening. I guess a lot of people say to look at a relationship as something that sets the tone from the beginning. Our beginning wasn't pretty. It was harsh and cruel and he told me he'd never be able to love me. 

I was young. I honestly didn't think it would ever matter or be important if he loved me back. I told myself I felt it back. He loved me. My bones felt loved and my world changed. I can't even compare anything I'm thinking about today to anything I've even considered in the last seven years. 

I know there was a point where I felt like he'd never love me. It would be so easy to say that I want something different and that's why I know somethings wrong. But I don't want different. I don't want anything. I think I opened my soul to someone and I realized that they didn't want it. He didn't want it. 

I don't feel alone without my family. I think something happened where I accepted that they're not in my life when Sparcky passed. I think he closed the door. Without that fear of not being loved by them, I think I started looking at other things. I don't know if what I want is someone to feel about me the way people romanticize about their person in the beginning. I don't think it's that - I know the butterflies aren't supposed to last. But I want to feel wanted. 

More so, I want to know that in ten years I won't feel alone. And I can't say I won't when I feel so alone now. I don't know if it was his injury. I don't know if his injury is worse because he's in my life. I do know things changed and they're never going to be the same again. And I don't think those things matter to him. 

I think he wants me to just accept that. But I want someone to want me to be happy. Is there a reason we haven't had a child? Am I not supposed to be with this man? I just know it was always a give and take. I know in my being that I would feel connected. I can't find the connection. I don't want to live my life for someone else. I'm about to turn twenty-seven. I am a grown woman. I shouldn't be waiting around for a man to want to be around me, want to kiss me, want to connect. That's so childish, so young.

If you don't want me, then why am I still here? Why are we living together like roommates. Why did we get dogs together but I'm the only one who takes care of them? Why am I so alone.

Antidepressants. 

Forever

Forever.