I hate writing. I think I hate it because I know that when I need to sit down and write it means it's gotten really bad. It's been bad for a while. This whole year has been so bad. I just feel so betrayed and alone. I feel so alone and not a human. not a person. not a being. I feel so mad and just so done. 
I don't even know how to explain what happened today.
I've been working all the time. I work and everyone is so happy with me and thinks I'm so put together and I'm constantly helping everyone else out with their lives. I feel so used. I feel so entirely used at work and it's such a hollow feeling of losing my passion, my love. Love is such a cruel and sick lie. 
Anything that makes you happy can ruin you. It can fracture your spine and twist you like a nob and it doesn't matter; you're still meant to go on breathing.
I think there's so many things I've always failed to see. It's the second time this year it feels like I can't swallow; like something is so emotional it doesn't want me to breathe it anymore. My eyes are so foggy and my throat hurts from holding down the sadness. It's so dark and so lonely and so.
I don't know the right thing to do anymore. 
Sometimes when I cry enough I hear my mom's name and I feel her reaching for a hug. And it makes me cry more knowing she isn't hugging me and she never was there to hug me. She'd be happy Shay and I are fighting. She'd be happy Shay's mom doesn't like me.
She'd be glad to hear I still have issues with my weight.
I just wanted someone to love me. To love everything about me. to hug me and understand and then it blacks out and away and I can't remember.
I don't know if I should be mad.
We met this lady at a farmer's market last week. She was from Switzerland. I talked to her about Austria. I used to love Austria and German and I used to feel in German and think and love was taught to me in a different language. Sometimes when I'm this sad it feels like its foreign to be talking it out in English. It feels diluted and salty and fake. It feels like a robotic version of myself.
I wonder if I'll ever speak German again.
Shay's not here.
I know he'd be ok without me. His life wouldn't be very different. with or without me. 
I know that because no one's life is different with or without me.
All I ever wanted in life was to be missed.
I wanted someone else's life to feel empty without me.
I wanted to fill up someone's world.
I wonder how he'll get home.
I wonder if I should text him back and what should I say?
He always thinks I'm crazy when it's this dark.
It's so dark all I see are Christmas decorations and tears. I remember the Skye phone calls and telling my parents I'm coming home. 
I work so hard but I'm not even a real person. 

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