Stubborn Liver

Today was the first Sunday in over a month I wasn't looking for an argument. We woke up and it was raining and I made the choice to not allow the weather to affect my mood. For once, I knew the rain was going to stop and I believed it too. Today was a day filled with conversations on memory. When the rain stopped we walked around our neighborhood park and remembered. 

Memories are convenient lapses of time. I like to remember what I want to and have trouble focusing on much of anything else. I remember the last pages of 1984 and the way Orwell made me think. I remember there was a book I read in Austria that Dean gave me and it was long but great. 

I've been allowing myself to talk myself into things again lately. I can talk myself into anything which is scary most times. My mind is a powerful player. I want to remember today as a nice Sunday. 

It rained and we cleaned. We went shopping and had coffees and found new books that we could read together. We went hiking and I pushed through a workout. I want to remember how I feel when I have a good workout. Sometimes I get tiny glimpses into how strong I can be if I let myself. My knees have been aching for weeks, or has my heart been aching and my knees have been fine? I haven't felt good but today I tried to get to that feeling again. 

I want to remember that trying feels better than just letting myself give up. 

I can't disappear or give up enough times that my body just stops living. Humans are notorious for being stubborn about living. Reproduction. 

I'm less foggy again. I like to think it was a little of everything but like a recovering addict the only thing I can really admit is that it's time to begin again. 

Sunday.