Fall Feelings

One of my all time favourite things to do is go for walks with Sparcky during the winter months. In California I really don't ever remember enjoying walks or seeing nature and here it's my own way of feeling free and getting away. It's the time of year where the leaves are all falling and it's so magnificent how nature works, in a few days you see the forest that was in full bloom and growth all summer shed it's skin and welcome in a new time. I like the noises and the colours and when we walk it's adorable to hear Sparcky's little pitter patter in the crunch of the leaves. I have felt really bad lately not being able to take him for a walk everyday and being cooped up in the house is just not something I want to wish upon anyone so, we try to enjoy our walks as often as we can. It's nice to reminisce and think back to some of the first times I ventured through the forest here, Sparcky and I were just walking along when all of a sudden we heard loads of sheep. I'm a Cali girl and we don't exactly see sheep outside of a petting zoo, I just remember laughing and thinking it was the funniest thing to just find sheep on a casual walk on any given afternoon. 

Also, I'm super excited for it to snow again this winter. The forest is just absolutely wonderful in the winter time. There's loads of snow and it's like a sea of white. I remember last winter, the first snow was really difficult. I was on Skype with my parents for the first time since leaving California and was crying because it was hard to see everyone I love so far away... and then it started to snow. It was magical, this fluffy white dust falling from the black sky and covering the world with a heavy blanket. I wonder if it will have the same impact on me this year, hopefully the beauty is still as visible and new. I have to admit the winter months are long and can become really annoying and hard. It's going to be my second Christmas away from my family and friends and that's honestly never easy. Last year I went to Vienna for the Christmas markets and this year hopefully I will again. I'd also actually like to find the time to do some Christmas shopping for my mom, Ben, Daniel and dad. I want to put something nice together for each of them this year so they realise how hard it is being away. And just to put it out there because I am still the silly child inside, I am looking forward to presents. Presents are so lovely and I feel like this year I may once again actually have people to gift things. Christmas and winter also has it's drawbacks though because as Christmas rolls by, so does New Year. I can't believe we're nearing the end of this year already. It's simply insane thinking that we've already made it through 2013; just think last year some of us still thought we were going to die because of some ancient Calendar that wasn't finished. I don't think I believe in having any resolutions this year, I usually have the cliche resolution of losing weight and being healthy at the beginning of the year and I believe this is the first year where I don't have to wish that. I am healthy and I've lost loads of weight and it wasn't due to some silly resolution no one ever keeps. I think these past two years have been really hard. Last year was a bit more adventurous and exciting and big but this year just represented all the drawbacks of growing up too fast. 

I don't think I ever enjoyed my childhood really, I was always living to grow older and never enjoying the moment I was in. I wanted to be in college or I wanted to be a legal adult; I wanted to be on my own and I wanted to see the world. I think that's all of our dreams at one time or another but once you see the world or even just somewhere else, you realise you are meant to see some things simply to see them and then go back to your familiarity, familiarity of life and living and the way things run normally. I find myself in Europe now, somewhere so many dream to be that live back in California but I don't think anyone ever gets past the dreaming. We all dream and dreaming is wonderful, don't get me wrong but it's important to set yourself apart for the dreamers and become a person aside your ideal self. Your ideal self should be you in that very moment and if it isn't, you need to make changes to work towards being her or him. I found that dreaming and hoping is going to be left in my storybooks and I can always lose myself as long as I still have an anchor upon reality. I don't really tell people this story because it's very personal and I was ashamed of myself for it for a very long time. I'm not going to go into details but I lied a lot when I was growing up, I pretended to be something and someone I was not, quite literally actually. I was so stuck in being this different person, this person who was skinny and knew how to flirt and get guys and who people found pretty that I never took the time to think I, myself could be someone just like that. I hid behind a computer screen for years, almost my whole teenage years and pretended to be someone I made up. It sounds horrible to people and a lot are absolutely disgusted by it. I'm not. I don't think that anyone has the right to be angry with someone for lying because we all do it in different ways, we all exaggerate the truth and some do it more than others. But if you've ever thought about it, it's not you the person is trying to hurt with their lies... it's a wall that is built to keep you from that person's inner most fears and broken bits of themselves. I wanted to be skinny like everyone else and I couldn't deal with the fact that I wasn't so I pretended to be to people who didn't know the truth and couldn't criticise me for it. 

I hurt a lot of people by lying but in the end the one person I hurt the most was myself. I know its cliche and I think my entire life is surrounded by the moments of realisation that cliches are repeated so often for a reason. They're the life lessons we hear so much, they don't affect us anymore until we live through them ourselves and only then begin to understand the full impact of it's phrase. I try not to lie anymore as best as I can, I try to understand that now if someone likes me or doesn't, it's me. Not someone else, not someone I'm hiding behind. That also means though that when I get hurt, it's also me getting hurt. It's my heart and my feelings and my everything that I'll be sacrificing and that's probably why I'm so closed off and unable to allow things to happen anymore. We're all just taking baby steps. For the rest of our lives it will be learning to walk, it doesn't just stop once we get our two feet working right. We'll always go left until sometimes we find the right dance and swing right. 

A bit of a deep rambles and personal mess,


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