June Gloom

It's the first day of June and I'm stuck here forcing myself to feel. It's gloomy out and Shay and I are sitting wrapped up lounging. Today I had a shoot with an older woman and found myself giving therapy again. I used to think it was a burden or a weakness that people trusted me so much; now I try to see it as my superpower and try to be fearless when telling them what I think as well. It's funny that at all ages we tend to convince ourselves company means more than loneliness. My client today was telling me about a friend she didn't much like. As an outsider looking in it was very clear that the relationship was one sided and toxic. I have a problem with the shift of viewpoints lately where everyone believes we should accept everyone and everything for who they are and just settle with that information. I believe a person can be whoever they choose to be but whether or not we then need to have them in our lives are two very separate matters. When there's people in our lives making us unhappy and using our energy for negativity, it's not their fault they are this way or reacting and acting their days but it is ours. Stop letting toxic people in your lives and then wondering why you're unhappy. Loneliness is far more comfortable than being accompanied by misery every step of the way. 
I'm turning twenty-five next year. I'm not talking to my mom anymore. She makes me sad. every time. and I think she's moving again this month. I don't know and I don't want to think about having to know. 
Tomorrow I'm doing something that I like to describe as out of character for me however; if I'm doing it then it's in character and it's me doing something that is me. (Positive reinforcement) I'm going to get filler? or botox? Something? I used to really be drawn towards beauty and towards improvement and then it kind of got in the way of life and swallowed me whole. It was my early twenties. I had just lost enough weight to see my other new flaws and I let those new ideas take a hold of me. I'm growing older and listening to the tiny things that have stuck around through all my years. Those songs I thought were a phase but still make me smile and feel. The fashion choices I admire that I took too far or didn't try at all. There's a reason we have wants and phases and aspirations in life. Influence is significant. I've been so afraid of influence because I realized I'm easily persuaded but not all influence is bad. Also the older I get the more I practice sitting back within myself and listening to whether or not I've thought about something for years or if I just saw it somewhere and am lazily lost. 
How funny that the girl that would do anything to get lost is now identifying the mere thought as lazy. Truth.
I'm growing up and in my in between stages of balance. Part of my balance is realizing I need to like myself. I  need to like myself. I know people like me, I have the ability to be liked. I know Shay likes me and I can make people laugh and smile and sometimes I even get noticed because people think I look nice but none of that will ever matter because I need to like me. I'm not changing myself to be liked, I'm merely listening to what I like. 
Anyway, I'm doing something to my face and maybe I'll like it and maybe I won't. I'm not dying my hair or chopping bangs and getting a tongue ring. I don't want to be rash or rebellious or silly anymore. I just want to listen to myself about what I truly have wanted or what I'm being lazy about.

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