Ten Minutes

Positivity has never been something that came naturally to me. Shay likes to remind me that no matter how hard we try, a person cannot simply disappear. I have a seemingly decent life. I've worked towards a seemingly decent life. I have a great boyfriend, I'm healthy, I have a fulfilling career and I have healthy hobbies and interests most of the time. Something that creeps up on me more often than not however is this unwavering darkness. When I was younger I was always dark. I like to think that I had good reason to be since I was overweight and alone. Like most things in life, I assumed that losing the weight would miraculously make everything else go away too. As I've learned with my issues with food and problems interacting socially; it was never just the weight - some things are simply a part of me too. May has been racing by and it's been darker than usual. The weather has been dreary and without the sun, my passion and job have been fleeting. I always like to think about the way I perceive twenty four hours. Ever since I can remember I've known myself to feel an array of emotions in a span of twenty four hours. Sometimes a day could feel like ten years. It's also one of the reasons I held onto memories so closely. May felt like waking up and waiting to go back to sleep again. Not only was darkness creeping in but recently I've been bubbling with anger. 

Ten minutes. I'm trying to write every day for ten minutes. Maybe if I write about more, I can let some of some things go with it too. Ten minutes have passed so I'm going to try to wrap this up.

I'm working on positivity. I'm also working on making life easier. Today it didn't rain. Today I was able to have four shoots. After work, Shay and I went to see the babies. Today I saw Shay's mom for the first time since Thanksgiving. I didn't look at her when I saw her and I don't see her anymore the same way I haven't seen my mom in years. I used to be able to know what my moms eyelashes looked like and her wrinkles were never foreign. I haven't seen my mom in a while. I didn't wish her a happy Mother's Day. There's a lot I'm trying to work out right now. We had dinner and I didn't force down the last pieces of food. I'm sad and sometimes my progress is more of me giving up to depression than moving past certain issues. I can't slip away. Today was a good day.

If I force myself to remember things in their positive light and stop looking at everything so miserably maybe my pessimistic bones can understand why positivity seems to be vital.

Fake it until you make it.

Today was a good day.