Touch.

I remember the last time I hugged my mom. Actually felt it. It was at the airport near McDonalds before I had to walk away into the terminal where I left for Austria. I remember the way she cried and how she kept reaching for my hand across the table. I never really touched my mom again after that. 

I remember the way my Grandma used to pat my hand while I cried in Austria. She didn't hug. She just patted me. Sometimes she cried too but we never held onto each other. I remember the day on my bedroom floor about two months after I came back, I was sitting and thinking and I cried so much I only saw darkness. Daniel tried to hug me on the floor as I rocked and I screamed for him to let me go. It hurt being touched. 

I hated physical contact. I still do. I make sure not to brush fingertips when I hand someone cash. I make sure not to stand too close with my shoulders in a crowded room. If someone foreign hugs me, I remember. For work, I automatically accept a hug hello and a hug goodbye but apart from that I hold my distance. 

It took a long time for me to sit beside Shay. It took a long time for me to remember what his hands felt like and memorize the way they fit with mine. I only look at him on occasion but it's been enough time to remember the way he looks. I remember the way he kisses and the distinct taste and my memories are filled with happy times. 

It took a lot of work for me to feel ok being felt. It was this door that had to be opened and it took a lot of effort to stay open. I know what it means to close that door. I know I closed the door to my mom at that airport. I know I closed the door to my grandma watching her from my second plane. I don't feel Sparcky or look at him anymore. I know that door was closed too. 

Now I'm standing outside an open door feeling closed. 

Closing my eyes, thinking of feeling feels distant and it's lost. 

I don't know if we'll ever touch again even if he tries to hold my hand right now. 

Wish it made sense. I feel untouched and I'm not lacking or yearning for anything more than to keep the door open as it's shutting right before my eyes.