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Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Age of Experience.


I'm so absolutely frazzled when I have too much socializing and not enough time inside my head. It's funny, the pattern of my thoughts; half the time I'm overthinking how much I put into a thought and the rest of the time I'm thinking about how I don't have enough time to think. The past two weeks have been nonstop and though everything has been great and mostly positive, I always find myself slowly creeping into sorrow when I don't have enough time for myself. I like to remember things. I like to truly reminisce and photograph quotations inside my mind about everything that means something. If I don't take the time to remember, I'm afraid I'll forget. 

It's Tuesday towards the end of January and I have a list of things that need to be done but I'll take the morning to soothe my thoughts and write. With Ziggy getting sick, I hardly had time to gather my thoughts and browse through the photos of San Francisco. Thankfully, Zigg is much better and whole heartedly alive. San Francisco was brief but beautiful and left as soon as it arrived. I couldn't tell you what I actually did most of that day but it felt comfortable being uncomfortably ok. I experienced through work but found happiness in the job and though I like to believe if I did anything alone, I'd probably do everything different, it's nice living a job that allows me to experience enough to make me feel alive. The sunset was spent driving back to the airport but we stopped at the most beautiful spot before the end of our trip. The Sutra Baths were stunning and I wish Shay was there to see them with me. 

There's a line between what I'd like to experience and with who. Preferably, I want to experience every day with Shay but I know he's not able to do and or want everything I do so I experience half lives with my job and full lives with my partner and then sometimes a little quarter of me allows me to experience life alone; that's beautiful. The complexity of understanding every life is lived differently and rather than wallowing in the amount that isn't lived in each, I cherish the seconds I give to every part of my being. I used to not take time for me. I'm learning. 

I still think of my mom when I have time to feel sad. I don't cry as much about every thing but everything is still there. I'm more excited this year, thus far. I have thoughts trickling in as I write this. My car bumper is wrecked, my calendar is obscure, I bought a new lens that brings me joy but I'm impatient, I hope for Thursday. Thursday, fingers crossed, Shay and I are going to try to take our hot air balloon adventure (for the fifth time). Thursday is also February first and the beginning of my birthday month. Skye and Chance are visiting this weekend and the family will be together Saturday. It's busy and scattered but I'm here. 

Sunsets in San Francisco and anticipating twenty-three. I turn twenty-three on the twenty-fourth. 

Ready for another age of experience. 





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