Mess

It genuinely baffles me sometimes the ways and actions of human beings in relation to other human beings that I'm not actually surprised why I'm left not wanting attachments to people. It's not a big secret that since I moved my relationship with people in general has been tainted, I can't say I've gotten completely close to anyone since I left America and although I know it can't actually last forever, I don't plan on being close to anyone again. I don't actually know how to put a lot of this into words and therefore most of this is going to be a jumbled ramble but I think I am just confused on the concepts of attachment because they mean something way more to me. When I was younger I used to care a lot about my friends, I used to fall into guys really quickly and I used to devote myself to people. I took my time to care about my friend's problems and I always ended up feeling empty once me and a significant other parted ways. I remember my mom and friends always telling me I would get too involved in people and that my every days would begin revolving around the existence of someone else; it wasn't healthy but for those brief moments of time I was in sync with someone else and felt hole in a joining of two. 

I think things changed when I experienced real loss, I know it's an old record that I keep playing over and over again but I can't help it because I still feel the exact same way, I left behind relationships I cherished and cared for and after moving and not being in someone's everyday for a few months... people moved on. My best friends found new friends to tell their secrets to, my old jobs found new people to help them and work for them, my little brother found someone else to help with his homework... people replaced me. I guess that's what everyone thinks is normal and just the simple process of growing up but I just can't wrap my head around it, around forgetting about everyone and finding someone new to put in their place. I never ended up replacing them, I still haven't, I still live in this constant thought process of needing to forget but being so stuck on caring about the memories I can't seem to move on. I still get sad over seeing people have a life without me, sometimes it feels like I died to them, like if I had died they would have reacted the same way. 

I think watching people move on and forget convinced me more and more that it's not worth making new relationships or new attachments. I'm not sure of where I am in life right now, I'm not sure if I want to stay here and I'm not sure I want to go, but if I do have to leave again I don't want to have to watch more people move on with their lives, lives that I felt I fit into.. move on without me. I think about this constantly, I don't have friends right now, I have acquaintances I go to class with occasionally or see for coffee once a month, they don't know anything about my life and they don't care to either. They are just extras in a lonely existence. There's people who know more and care and such but I think I make sure I don't let them too close the most, what's the point in having someone else have to go through what I did? I honestly have no idea how to put all these things into words really and it's such a jumble in my head.

My family is living with my brother's new girlfriend who has taken my place, my friends don't even know or care about where I am, my coworkers probably wouldn't think twice if I quit tomorrow, and  everyone just keeps moving on. Everyone keeps moving forward and I'm so stuck. I just got a phone call from my first boyfriend, he was a good guy when I first met him but he's not the nicest most ideal human being now. He calls me sometimes and makes me think of the past and today was no different, he called to tell me that he has a girlfriend now. I have to admit it felt nice not feeling a sting or anything really but annoyance at the fact that he was telling me. He has been dating this girl for a week and a half and has known her for three; he's already said he loves her. I can't even remember the last time I was so naive regarding someone, I can't remember the last time I said I love you to anyone but my mom or Sparcky. I mean, I know I said it to my friends and to my ex boyfriends but I think loss and life taught me what love is and I don't feel it anymore. It must be wonderful to be so naive to fall in love so fast and be happy, I do wish him all the best it just fascinates me how some people can still feel those things. Still feel so completely enthralled in another human being after so many things in life has taught us completely otherwise, I don't understand and I don't want to understand how someone can wrap their head around being with someone. I don't think I'd even be able to handle a relationship because if I lose myself one more time, I'll never be found. 

I think the main reason of my meddled mind is that I am in a constant state of frustration where I want and crave spending time with other people but then hating the thought of getting too close. I feel like it's such a simplified concept that everyone goes through and anyone reading this must think it's completely silly to be making such a mess of things but I know people end up with friends and boyfriends and happiness most times, I just don't think I will. That's not a pity statement, that's not a need for concern, it's just a statement that feels real to me and I've come to accept. I've come to accept that I think and feel differently about this kind of stuff than other people and therefore also will not be doing what others do. I just want to feel normal sometimes and that's when I need to get it out on paper and try to explain it. 

Lonely.
Stefanie 

1 comment

  1. Hi Stefanie
    This is just an anon letting you know that you're not the only one feeling these sorts of feelings.
    I totally understand: "What's the fucking point?" "Promises are made to be broken." "How great is it that I'm so expendable! (sigh)"
    Being replaced feels shit. I know; I've been there! We just need to cope with these unfortunate realities, and try (really super mother-tripping hard) to see the silver linings in our issues/problems.
    Always look on bright side o' life :)
    From one human being to another: Best of luck with the journey, discovery, and unpredictable adventure life brings you.
    Peace, Love, and Respect xx

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