Jumbled Hopes

I don't know what it is lately but I've just been struggling this past year and as silly and melodramatic as it seems I feel as though nothing really ever seems to get any better. It's really rather strange because when you're living at home with your parents and going to high school and dealing with the casual days of adolescence we all constantly feel as if it's the worst time of our lives; we over exaggerate the dramas of a day and always feel as if life just isn't fair. I remember constantly thinking life was just playing me a bad hand while I was back home and fretting over boys and people who never really affected me at all. It's sad that it takes losing it all to realise just how much I really had. I woke up every day in a home where people cared about what I was doing, I had a mother who called me bundles of times to make sure I got home safe and I had friends and a job who depended on me and needed me. But all I ever thought about was getting away. Growing up is being alone, it is learning to depend on yourself and not having people worry about whether or not you get home safe. It is responsibility and it is loneliness, a world of people walking different directions and you walking away from all of it. I've been stuck in reminiscence again lately and it's a constant loop of trying to find hope again.

As I've recently written I started a new job which I'm not particularly enjoying, it's at a restaurant that mostly serves everything with loads of alcohol and the uniform is unflattering and frustrating. The hours are pretty horrible and at the end of the day I still tried my best to win it over and start enjoying even the dreadful bits of working there. I even came home the other day finding that it wasn't going to be as bad as it seems and convincing myself things will get better. Little did I know that I wouldn't be on the work schedule this week which in my negativity infused mind means I'm most likely getting fired. I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around this, this situation, this idea, this concept that once again I was not good enough for something and did not succeed in another thing I tried so hard to merely enjoy. It's really rather silly but back in America I was good at things. People looked up to me, I was never out of a job and I worked hard and was respected. I was also always the smart one, in my family, at my job, in my everyday life I found myself to be intelligent and educated and honestly believed that everything I did was meaningful. Things like that change when you find yourself in another corner of the world. Since my language skills in German are not advanced I've found myself slipped into an average category here where I never find the right line of words to put together the fragmented pieces of my starving conscious. I find myself grasping for words like they're a life line rather than using them to emphasis an already knowledgable concept. 

It's so difficult and frustrating and aggravating going from the top all the way to the bottom in a matter of months. It's been a little over a year and I find myself in this dull medium, a middle where I don't feel successful but have not yet allowed myself to give up. This job is just another punch in the gut that I'm not even good enough for mediocre, I'm not a middle, I'm nearing an end and I find myself looking for purpose in every aspect of my being but coming up short. It's like I'm suffocating and it's not getting any better, no one can breathe the life back into me and it's just weird being in such a comatose state of living. Will it ever be okay again or will every day just always be a struggle? 

Enjoy your time now, because soon it too will slip away. 

Stefanie